Bad Baby Day....not myself at all

This is not my usual type of blogging activity. I've mentioned the misacarriage before etc, but I generally try to leave that part of my life out of my daily (or close to) blogging. Reason is, I suppose I'm afraid of sounding bad, whiney, or negative, which isn't me. Eventhough it is what it is, I just don't like to really blog about it. But today I just need to get some things off of my chest that have been going on for a bit.

Today my heart hurts and it's hurting more than usual. It's been going on since last week. Truth be told these "episodes" we'll call them happen to me in spurts and then I'm fine for a while. Last week one of the doctors I work with (the only female, if we can even call her that) insisted on telling me about how everyone is getting pregnant but me. It took all that I had to stand tall, not let my gut feel the invisible punch it just took, and to hold back those salty tears that wanted to stream down my face. However I did it, I stood there like an emotionless cement wall and let her go on and on. I took it like a champ too, composing myself and keeping my professionalism at it's best. I don't want to let people like her get to me, considering they have zero in the couth department. I then crumbled and had to go into the bathroom and just let the tears fly. Quickly composing myself while the Ozzy Osbourne song "No More Tears" replayed in my head. I needed to get myself together fast. I mean who really wants a nurse that looks like Alice Cooper anyway?

Last weekend it hit me again. Out of no where I just have these non stop tears flowing down my face in which I have no control over at all. It was awful and I felt like impending doom was taking over me. I absolutely hate it when this happens and there truly is no way to deal with it, strickly the passage of time is the only way. I just don't know how else to explain the darkness that sometimes decides to descend up on me dealing with this loss.

I try not to take personal things into work, including the miscarriage. Sometimes patients ask me if I have kids yet, and that's fine. I don't what's the big deal, right? I will share my story with patients few and far between, and when I do, it's usually a very spiritual thing with the support they offer, sort of uplifting in a way. The women I share my story with are those that have been there and know exactly what it's like. That's one of the problems is not a lot of people understand this feeling. I have the most amazing husband, friends, and family on this earth. Difficult thing is, even my mother whom I tell everything doesn't even know how this feels and I know it hurts her to see me like this.

What set me off today was that I was made aware that 2 different people who have what would have been my exact due date in December find out what they were having today. I hadn't really thought about this aspect of it honestly. I hadn't thought about how I'd be showing by now, or how I would probably not feel the nausea anymore, or how I too could know the sex of my own baby (even though we wouldn't find out, I had a feeling of a boy) I never thought back to, gee I'd be 5 months next week. Hearing about them, and having to think about this aspect cut me pretty deep today. I don't want to harp on these feelings, I just want to feel better about everything. I don't want to be sad about this anymore, but I just don't know how not to. I don't like having these eyes that well up on certain days at the thought of this giant void I have in my heart. I don't want people to think that I'm not happy for them or their babies because I am. I'm just sad too. I think I beat myself up too much by not letting myself be sad about it. I don't like to be down nor negative, it's just not me. But maybe I just need to let myself have these days when I need to....

I will continue to work hard and do those things that keep me healthy. Healthy enough to be cleared by the CF docs who tell me to "Go for it!" I will remind myself that this happened once and it WILL happen again. I will continue to exercise and be at my optimum and push myself to the limits. I will think positive and use "The Secret" and believe in my heart and have faith that in time this too will happen again....