Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Bad Baby Day....not myself at all

This is not my usual type of blogging activity. I've mentioned the misacarriage before etc, but I generally try to leave that part of my life out of my daily (or close to) blogging. Reason is, I suppose I'm afraid of sounding bad, whiney, or negative, which isn't me. Eventhough it is what it is, I just don't like to really blog about it. But today I just need to get some things off of my chest that have been going on for a bit.

Today my heart hurts and it's hurting more than usual. It's been going on since last week. Truth be told these "episodes" we'll call them happen to me in spurts and then I'm fine for a while. Last week one of the doctors I work with (the only female, if we can even call her that) insisted on telling me about how everyone is getting pregnant but me. It took all that I had to stand tall, not let my gut feel the invisible punch it just took, and to hold back those salty tears that wanted to stream down my face. However I did it, I stood there like an emotionless cement wall and let her go on and on. I took it like a champ too, composing myself and keeping my professionalism at it's best. I don't want to let people like her get to me, considering they have zero in the couth department. I then crumbled and had to go into the bathroom and just let the tears fly. Quickly composing myself while the Ozzy Osbourne song "No More Tears" replayed in my head. I needed to get myself together fast. I mean who really wants a nurse that looks like Alice Cooper anyway?

Last weekend it hit me again. Out of no where I just have these non stop tears flowing down my face in which I have no control over at all. It was awful and I felt like impending doom was taking over me. I absolutely hate it when this happens and there truly is no way to deal with it, strickly the passage of time is the only way. I just don't know how else to explain the darkness that sometimes decides to descend up on me dealing with this loss.

I try not to take personal things into work, including the miscarriage. Sometimes patients ask me if I have kids yet, and that's fine. I don't what's the big deal, right? I will share my story with patients few and far between, and when I do, it's usually a very spiritual thing with the support they offer, sort of uplifting in a way. The women I share my story with are those that have been there and know exactly what it's like. That's one of the problems is not a lot of people understand this feeling. I have the most amazing husband, friends, and family on this earth. Difficult thing is, even my mother whom I tell everything doesn't even know how this feels and I know it hurts her to see me like this.

What set me off today was that I was made aware that 2 different people who have what would have been my exact due date in December find out what they were having today. I hadn't really thought about this aspect of it honestly. I hadn't thought about how I'd be showing by now, or how I would probably not feel the nausea anymore, or how I too could know the sex of my own baby (even though we wouldn't find out, I had a feeling of a boy) I never thought back to, gee I'd be 5 months next week. Hearing about them, and having to think about this aspect cut me pretty deep today. I don't want to harp on these feelings, I just want to feel better about everything. I don't want to be sad about this anymore, but I just don't know how not to. I don't like having these eyes that well up on certain days at the thought of this giant void I have in my heart. I don't want people to think that I'm not happy for them or their babies because I am. I'm just sad too. I think I beat myself up too much by not letting myself be sad about it. I don't like to be down nor negative, it's just not me. But maybe I just need to let myself have these days when I need to....

I will continue to work hard and do those things that keep me healthy. Healthy enough to be cleared by the CF docs who tell me to "Go for it!" I will remind myself that this happened once and it WILL happen again. I will continue to exercise and be at my optimum and push myself to the limits. I will think positive and use "The Secret" and believe in my heart and have faith that in time this too will happen again....

8 comments:

Heidi said...

Hang in there...thinking of you!

niki36 said...

I know a fraction of the pain you feel. Although I have never had a miscarriage, and I am sooo sorry for your loss, my husband and I have been unable to get pregnant so far. We were starting testing right before his deployment, and now have to put trying on hold. I don't know if it is CF related or not, but it is so difficult. Many people around me have gotten pregnant these last couple years, and when you are trying unsuccessfully it feels like everyone around you is expecting. Some days the pain is awful and I break down and cry too. You should let yourself mourn, but also keep your head up and know that you are not alone and one day it will happen for us. {{hugs}}

~nicole

Kristen said...

I know exactly how you feel. Everytime I read the a blog or talk to someone who got pregnant around me, I get so depressed and sometimes cry, thinking "that should be me." I was actually crying about this to my husband tonight.

(((Hugs))) Please know that it is soooo normal to feel this way, and it's okay to not be sunshine and rainbows all the time.

Christy said...

I'm so sorry Jess!

Katey said...

Praying for you..I know that's got to be tough and frustrating!!! Although I'm not married yet... i've always wanted kids....and still plan on doing everything i can to make that happen....but realize there is only a slight to none chance of it happening naturally/biologically due to post-transplant issues.

I don't know your pain...but pray these episodes will pass and God will give you a peace about it all! Sending love, hugs, and prayers your way!!!

Ronnie "Sickboy" Sharpe said...

I'll be praying that you can sustain the strength to continue your workouts and that you get that green light soon!

Ronnie

Chrissy said...

I have an idea of how you are feeling. I had 5 before they discovered that I have a blood clotting disorder. People think sometimes that they are being sympathetic or nice and unfortunately it turns out to be the opposite.

I am thinking of you, and I have ever since I saw your post about what happened.
I was happy for those around me but the emptiness I felt made it hard for me to even show it. It took some time for me, but it did get easier. It will for you too. I know you are probably sick of people telling you that; I know I was, but it is the truth. But you need to know that it is ok to get upset like you did in your blog, you need to let it out. If you feel like you can't blog about it, you can email me...I'll listen.

*hugs*

Chrissydunbar@yahoo.com

Jess said...

I really can't thank you all enough for your encouraging words. I'm so grateful.