Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Heavy Heart (Would've Been Due Date)

Well tomorrow is the day I've been secretly dreading since I miscarried in May. Tomorrow, December 30th, was my due date. It's been quite a journey to get here, and by no means has it been a smooth one. I think about this every single day, and some days it takes over most, if not all of my thoughts. Right about now I'm thinking about all of the "would have beens" and it's not easy. Everyone told me that Christmas was going to be tough this year, especially approaching the 30th. I thought to myself that I'd be fine, and am far from it.

I had no idea that something like this would take so long to heal. I had no idea that something like this would have me grieving for so long. Nor did I know that having something for only a short time, would leave such a big whole in my heart. I didn't know that being pregnant not even 2 months and losing it could make you feel so empty and robbed.

I do know that while that little bugger was in there I was very happy, and it WILL happen again. I'd give anything in the whole world to be that nauseated and exhausted again.

So since tomorrow is going to be a tough day here for us, we decided to turn it around into a good day. So by chance Scott's sister and brother in law, as well as my nieces asked us to go to the beach over night. If you ask me, the timing couldn't be any better. So tomorrow we're up bright and early! I took off work, we're stopping for coffee and we're off. Our hotel has it's own ice skating rink, and heated pool, I'm so excited! We're ready for a fun day and night away for sure!!!

There is no way that I could have survived these last several months without Scott. I know for sure that he his hurting so much too. Yet, he's always there when I'm having a moment and need to cry, and believe me it's a lot. I'm so grateful for my family, and friends, including my wonderful FB friends who give more support than I could have ever asked for. I thank everyone so much for being there during one of the most difficult times of my life.

Positive thoughts and moving forward.....

Sunday, December 27, 2009

What happened to Christmas!?

So this is just a mini checking in type thing. Christmas was definitely different for us this year in so many ways. It started off great with Scott and I on Christmas morning and kind of went down hill from there. Overall we're very fortuante and grateful for what we have. It just wasn't the "normal" fun day that we are used to. Here's why:

*My dad fell at work on Christmas Eve and turns out he broke 2 of his ribs. He is in horrible pain and can barely do for himself. So he wasn't up to doing anything on Christmas. This was the first Christmas in 29 years I didn't see my Dad or celebrate with my parents.

*My Grandmother fell on the ice on Christmas. She ended up with 2 gashes in her head and lots of bleeding. Luckily she didn't need stitches, but we still had to call 911. All of her tests came back negative, but she is extremely bruised and sore.

So we'll try again on Monday to see my parents to do Christmas with them. Today we're going to Scott's brothers with the whole family to do our Christmas there. I get to spend the day with my nieces and nephews, should be awesome, and boy do I need it!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

10 Favorite Things About the Holidays

This is my favorite favorite favorite (get it?) time of year!!! So here are some of my favorite things!

1. Christmas shopping-yes it's insane, people are crazy, but I love the holiday energy.

2. Christmas Lights- I love that every year Scott and I go out and look at Christmas lights at our favorite neighborhoods. It's a tradition that we've done since we've been together and I love it!!!

3. Christmas Music- I love the music and love that one of our local stations play Christmas music all season long.

4. Baking- Something about this time of year makes me buy ample supplies of flour, sugar, and general cookie supplies. And the way it makes the house smells, ahhhh.

5. Holiday parties- Love love love getting together with everyone and feeling the holiday spirit.

6. Christmas Movies- I love breaking out the classic movies this time of year. A Christmas Story, The Grinch, Christmas Vacation, Home Alone. Just love it!

7. Gifts- I love how at work we do "Secret Santa" and "Secret Stocking Exchange" it's so much fun and something I look forward to every year.

8. Ugly Christmas Sweaters- Ha ha ha, tomorrow at work we're all wearing Ugly Christmas sweaters, can't wait!

9. The smells- LOVE LOVE LOVE the smell of my Christmas candles. Pine and Christmas cookie, make the house smell lik eno other.

10. My nieces and nephews- Love how excited they are and the joy they have about Santa Claus and the holiday! Makes it so special :)

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Snow Dogs Video :)

They love the Snow!! Despite almost knocking me over a few times, ha ha ;)


video

SNOW STORM!!!!

Well here in MD we are getting pounded with a snow storm, and I am absolutely loving every little, well big flake that falls :) I've wanted a huge storm for years now, as I have felt that we've been ripped off every winter. NOT THIS TIME!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!

My favorite things about the Snow are:
*Watching it fall, there is nothing like it
*The way it looks on the trees, especially the pine trees in our yard
*Watching the dogs play in it, their first reaction always cracks us up
*Me playing in the snow too
*SKIING!!! Hoping to go again this year, and Snow Tubing too.
*How it's falling right around Christmas, it just seems right
*How at night, the lights will make the snow glisten
*How it's happening on a weekend, and this Nurse doesn't have to work in it ;)
*That we'll be in the house all weekend and don't have to leave
*I get to bake cookies, listen to Christmas music, while watching the snow accumulate
*That we have a fire in the fireplace during this snow storm

I'm sure there is a TON more that I didn't mention. So far we have several inches and it's supposed to fall all day long!!!! Yippee!!! SNOW DAY!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Putting Myself in A Bubble

I don't know what to do.... I feel like I've been surrounded by SO much negativity lately, and I can't stand it. It's mainly at work, and It's bad. I don't understand it, It's Christmas time and we have so much to be thankful for. Why is everyone so damn miserable?

I walk into work and am chipper, making the morning coffee, and It starts already. Why? Literally at not even 5:45 in the morning and people are complaining, hating life, and just being all around mean. Don't get me wrong, we ALL have bad days, and no one is ever 100% in a great mood. However it's all the time lately, all day, nothing positive.

It's starting to wear me out. I try so hard to not let it bring me down, but am sinking. I wish I could just put myself in a bubble all by myself. That way all these negative people wouldn't get to me and try to bring me down. Although, knowing them they'd all be carrying pins.

No more negativity! Please!?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Weekend Recap

I can't believe that it's already this far into December. Anyway it was a nice weekend filled with Holiday fun. Saturday I went to a girls night out, "Wigging Out" party. Yes, you had to wear a wig in order to go to the party. We had a ton of fun, and loved wearing wigs, ha ha ha! Did an ornament exchange, ate tons of yummy food, had drinks, and listened to some hilarious non-traditional Christmas music. Good times.

Then today, we relaxed and watched the Ravens win against the Lions, woo hoo! Then we went out for our annual night to look at Christmas lights. We started out at dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. Then we headed to Starbucks and got some yummy drinks. We headed all around the area to our favorite houses to see the lights. I couldn't have asked for a better day.

Tomorrow is the last full work week until Christmas, we can do this! ;)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

So Stupid It's Funny

Stupid? Yes that would be me today. Literally everything thing I did today was a doozie.

Blackberry-Scott fixed my new phone and it was great, only until I realized it had no internet. Duh! So I sat on the phone waiting, and waiting for the Verizon guy to trouble shoot it. He was very nice though, and got it working thankfully. This phone thing pushed back my errands and early start to about noon.

Go to the bank @ the mall, only to see that the bank is not there anymore. No signs, no "hey we've moved" no nothing. That was fun.

Finally got to another bank, fill out my deposit slip only to realize the money that needs to be deposited is still in the truck. So out of line I went, only to return to a line that was 5x as long as when I left.

Went to the post office to get stamps, only to arrive as they were locking the main lobby doors. Luckily they had a machine I could use. Then to top it off, I forgot the mail that I had to stamp and send off. Doh!

Went to the grocery store, and that was actually uneventful, unbelieveable! ;)

Came home to make peppermint bark for a party tonight. I put the food processor together to crush up the candy canes, and didn't have the blade in the food processor.

So in conclusion.....Dear brain, can you come back please!!??
Thanks!
Love, Jess ;)

Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday Fill-Ins

1. Good times: Was last night, being asked to be the Godmother to my close friends daughter.

2. I absolutely love my home.

3. Sleigh bells ring and I LOVE it!

4. Sometimes I miss being little.

5. Once more is a song I've never heard I don't think.

6. Yesterday at work was an awful day, and I thought is it ever going to end?

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to getting a coffee and doing our annual night out to look at Christmas lights with Scott, tomorrow my plans include relaxing at home, then going to a "Wigging Out" party where you have to wear a wig, fun! and Sunday, I want to catch up around the house and start wrapping presents!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

When It Rains It Pours...

Things have been really crappy in the CF world recently. I can not believe that we've lost yet another friend to CF. It sucks, sucks bad. It makes me want to take a break from the forums and crawl in a hole for a little bit. But then I feel like I'm handling it the wrong way and turning my back on friends, and someone that may need me, as I need them. Again my way of dealing with these losses is just to push myself harder. I've kicking my own butt at the gym and am very happy with myself. Yesterday I did only the treadmill, and ran for 30 minutes. Woo was a I tired, oh and gross, salty, and sweaty ;) TOTALLY worth it!

Speaking of when it rains it pours...so today at work somehow the topic of discussion between 2 of the doctors was miscarriages, awesome! (NOT!) And guess who was accidentally included in this discussion?, ugh, me. I'm been queen emotional today, and this just set me off. I know I know, yes again it has set me off and I hate it. I would have been due in 20 days :( It's not easy to stay positive all the time when it comes to this baby thing, but God knows I try. Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about it. I knew December was going to be hard for me. I've been doing my best to keep it in, think positive, and not let it get the best of me. However, today I was unsuccessful. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.

Today I had to take care of a patient who was blind, deaf, and mentally challenged. I feel like this patient was sent to me to give me some perspective. Despite being kicked and scratched by this poor patient I am grateful for taking care of her today. Things could be worse, and someone always have a worse situation going on. This poor woman broke my heart. She kicked, scratched, and cried.

Please please please let this day get better. I'm so sick of the negativity lately :(

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

12 Miles

I've been a bit of a blog slacker, but with good excuses. We've had something to do everyday for the past week. It caught up to me yesterday for sure. I left work as soon as possible, aka the last patient for the day was stable in recovery. I came home and crashed for a 3 hour + nap. Wow, it was so needed! I can't remember the last time I felt that exhausted.

I'm happy to report that last week I completed my first full week at the gym! My goal is to go at least 4 days a week. So far so good :) I looked back and realized that I did about 12 miles (maybe more) at the gym last week. AWESOME! It feels great. I have so much energy and of course the lungs are happy, which makes their master happy ;)

Hope everyone is having a great week. Off to continue my crazy busy schedule. Tonight is my company Holiday party. Did 3 miles at the gym today though, so I hope I stay awake tonight ;)

Saturday, December 5, 2009

My Nieces and Nephews

Busted for jumping on my bed! Can you tell how much they cared? ;)


Too much sugar in these cookies!



Proud of his Gingerbread house

We had everyone in Scott's family over for our annual "Cookie Night" cookie exchange. As always we had a great time. We ate pizza, listened to Christmas music, baked cookies, made Gingerbread houses, and had Eggnog (the adults anyway). Overall we are up to our eye balls in cookies and loved having everyone over our house.

I think the highlight for me is spending time with my nieces and nephews. For one, they are getting so big so fast, and two, you just never know what they are going to say or do next :) Since we don't have any kids (yet) Scott and I get to be "the cool ones." We let them be crazy, silly, have fun, tell their crazy stories, and just eat up every minute of it. Some of my favorite things last night with them were:

*This was also the first year that my oldest niece brought a boyfriend to our house. Gah! I feel old! However her and her boyfriend played a joke (on Scott) by hanging my "Edward Cullen" poster over our bed. Bwah ha ha!!

*My 7 year old niece was telling me how her "BFF" in school is a REAL elf who works for Santa, "For real Aunt Jess!" ;)
*My 10 year old niece knows more about how to use my Blackberry than I do. (uncool, haha).

*My youngest nephew and I were pretend talking on cellphones and he was pretending I was one of his bestest cool friends from school. He was also upset because he wanted to bring over his pet lizard for Aunt Jess to see.

*Also I should get mega cool points for letting these rugrats jump on my bed, since they aren't aloud to do it at home.....ever.

Ahh I love them :)



Thursday, December 3, 2009

It's Everything...

It's been nothings short of a rough week. Good things, yes, but it's been mosty a rough ride. We found out that we lost yet another friend to CF last night. To say I was shocked is putting it mildly. I've been so upset all day long, just thinking about sweet Ginger, her husband, and son that are left behind :( I really enjoyed emailing Ginger and felt very comforted by her words when we chatted. She offered me many prayers when I was in Hopkins for pneumonia, and when I had the miscarriage in May. I can't explain it, but talking to Ginger about the misacarriage gave me hope again....

Sometimes you just feel like you want to turn your brain off but can't. I just feel so sad for her family right now and can't stop thinking about them. It's just so hard when you become friends with these wonderful people who you share this common bond with and you lose them...

My mission today was to turn the negatives into positives. So I went to the gym today and did a kick a$$ workout just for my CF peeps. That was all the motivation I needed! I ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes, fast, and loved it!

Tomorrow is a new day...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Tree is Up!


We brought in the first day in December with putting up the Christmas tree! I just love this time of year! Usually we have it up after the marathon day on Black Friday, but have been so busy with other things that it didn't happen. So last night was dedicated to putting up the tree. We started out the night with Scott getting Chipotle carry out for dinner :) Then I lit the Yankee "Christmas Cookie" candle, got 2 wine glasses (red and green) opened a special bottle of wine, and let the Christmas music fill the house! We had a great time, and it looks BEAUTIFUL! I love how when the lights are off the tree and basister just glisten with lights! Even the dogs get into the spirit ;) Happy Holidays!

Monday, November 30, 2009

First Day at The Gym!

Well I joined the Gym and today was the official first day. I worked almost 10 hours so was pretty tired, but knew how great I'd feel once I stepped in the door. Right I was. I LOVED IT!!!!!!!! I did about 45 minutes today and to be honest It completely flew by (bonus!).

I started off on a really cook bike that felt more like a video game. I did a 10 minute course through the "woods" and boy did it feel real. When I got off the machine I had a flash back to how sore my legs felt when I played Volleyball in highschool. Whoa I'm going to feel that tomorrow ;)

I then went to the Treadmill which was my favorite part by far. I started off with a slow jog then realized I had to move quickly because I could. Guess all my running has really payed off. I decided to limit myself to about 10 minutes on the treadmill because I wanted to check out all the equipment. Well I looked down, I'd already run 13 minutes and well over a mile. I was so excited because I felt like I could have just kept going, going, and going some more. I made myself stop, how awesome is that!?

I cooled down with some weight training. I did a bicep machine, then a tricep machine, and finished up with some crunches. Feel burn? Oh yes I did!

I walked out of the gym after about 45 minutes and felt on top of the world. According to my FEV monitor my pre and post lung function increased by about .30!

So to sum it up I freaking loved the gym today and feel great! My 1 year of running has definitely made me see and feel a difference. It's nice now to have a ton of equipment at my hands to mix up my routine and make me push HARDER!

So what's the plan for tomorrow? THE GYM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday

Well 15 hours later from shopping and I am Home Sweet Home! I had a wonderful day out with my best friend Beth. The day started at 0400 am which is only 1/2 hour earlier than I'm usually up for work. We met up at Starbucks, then off to the races. Our day went like this...

Stood in line at Target, got the "Door Buster" deals! Totally worth it, and the line was fast!
Kohls and got a TON of things for my family. I did most of the buying here!
Bass Pro Shop (only because I love my Father) Otherwise I was a lost soul in that place!
Bed Bath and Beyond
LUNCH break at Baja Fresh, yum! Relax and Refuel.
Dollar Tree, who can resist the cheap cute Christmas stuff including gift bags?
Off to Columbia
Marshalls, ahh one of my favorite stores. Ok so I may have bought for myself here, shhh ;)
Back to Target for more goodies forgotten earlier
Marley Station Mall
Sears
Hot Topic to seach for cool Transformer Stuff
Bath and Body works, need my fill of Warm Vanilla Sugar soaps for the house this winter

Dropped Beth off at her Jeep to unload my Xterra which now weighs 500 pounds less, lol!

The day was filled with Christmas spirit, Christmas music, and lots of laughter. After this long, crazy, but so fun day I drove home like a zombie where I soon stuffed my face with a vat of Mac N Cheese. Unloaded the bags, which are neatly thrown upstairs....yeah I'll tackle the organization thing tomorrow ;)

What a successful shopping day! Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

My Thankfulness

There is so much I am thankful for, and I make a point every day to realize it. However on this day of giving thanks, I find it appropriate to put it in writing :)

My Husband- I know I have a great husband and how fortunate I am. Whether it's just his "aroundness" sometimes he's the only person I need or want to be around. He shows me every single day how much he loves me. Whether it's cleaning the house as a surprise, sending a sweet message to me, countless hugs and kisses, I am so lucky to have a real man who would do and does anything for me. I couldn't have found someone better as a support system for my CF too. I never imagined it could be this great. Someday I know he will be a great Father to our kids, he's my Best Friend, and for him I am grateful.

My Dogs- Hooper and Elektra are my babies. I can't even explain how much I love them. Nothing like coming home no matter what the day has brought and having their excitement. I adore them, and how their tails almost wag off for the love they have for us. They have my heart.

My Family and Friends- In a lot of ways I consider myself the "middle man" in our family. I like to keep everyone together and have people over, escentually keeping people together. I learned from my late Pop that we have to stick together and how important family is. When they drive you nuts, still, you know how important they are to you and how much you love them. I feel so honored to be so close to my family, and how my cousins are more like my siblings. For them, and the relationship we have I am truly grateful. My friends are some of the most important people in my life. They are the family we get to choose. They are simply extraordinary, wonderful, amazing and supportive. Fore each of you I am grateful.

My Job and Career- If there is one thing on the earth I know, it's that I was meant to be a Nurse and take care of people. I absolutely love what I do and can't imagine doing anything else. My job is just as wonderful. It's rare (at least from my experience) to have such a physically and mentally demanding job and still love to come back the next day. I work for amazing doctors, whom over the last 6 years, are also like a family. For this I am grateful too.

My CF- Yes I am extremely grateful to have been born with this disease. Crazy? Maybe. However thanks to CF I live my life, and I mean I live it. Every goal or dream I've had thus far In my life I have accomplished. I am more motivated and don't take things for granted. I work very hard to take care of myself, and have CF to thank for this. Without CF I wouldn't have met such an amazing vast number of people who I consider close friends. I never knew it could be this good. I probably wouldn't make myself exercise and run my butt off everyday either. So thank you CF, I am actually grateful for you.

Our Home- I love where we live and I love our home. We've done a lot to this house and I can't imagine living anywhere else. When you can sit in your home and watch the seasons change, watch your dogs play, relax in your yard, enjoy the company of others whether it's a cook-out or just because, it's something worth being grateful for. To be able to walk a few steps outside and go to the beach, watch the boats go by, read a book, or pack a picnic. These are things I love about hour home....

Our Adventures- Whether it's hiking, going white water rafting, festivals, camping, enjoying a simple cup of coffee, or having a movie night in. I love exploring this life I have and living it up. I'm grateful to be this fortunate and this happy in my life. For this I am grateful.

So on this Thanksgiving I am grateful for the Abundace of daily blessings I get to endure.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving #2

Tonight I am hosting my Mom's side of the family for Thanksgiving. We've always done it on Wednesday night, but this is my first year having it at my house. I took off work today, which is nice in itself. Today the day will be spent cooking, hanging out with Mom, and getting ready for about 20 people around 7pm.

Yesterday was a sad day. Our friend Courtney with CF passed away. As sad as I am and was yesterday when I found out, I was relieved when I read her sisters blog on how it happened. Speechless. If you have a chance, you should read this amazing story. Just goes to show you that we have Angels around us all the time. I think because I was already an emotional wreck yesterday the whole baby thing hit me again. I've been doing so well too, and bam it all just fell on me. I had 2 vivid dreams this week that I was pregnant, or a Mom already. It's always boys that I have too. Just makes me realize how ready I am, and wish for it to happen again for us, but terrified of another miscarriage.

I'm also waiting on a call back from Hopkins. The Prednisone is helping, I stopped the HTS, and have been running a mile everyday. They may call in Antibiotics to have on hold since it's a long weekend, but don't think it's an infection. That's good news. :)

Monday, November 23, 2009

Hypertonic Saline Is Not My Friend apparently....

I'm feeling fine, running about a mile a day, and still am having chest tightness. To be honest, It's really getting on my nerves now. I've never had to be on Prednisone so many times in one year in my entire life. I think this is episode # 3 or 4. I stopped running outside, for fear that with the Fall weather I was breathing in molds, etc. Doesn't seem to be the case however. I've racked my brain today and I think I may have found it! The ONLY thing I've done different this year is start the Hypertonic Saline. Rewind...I was on it a few years ago but couldn't tolerate for forgotten reasons and now I think I remember why. The HTS really can exacerbate Asthmatic symptoms. Well Hello McFly, that's me! This has to be the reason I stopped it a few years back.

I started back on the HTS when I found out I was pregnant in April of this year. We had to do a ton of medicine rearranging because of the pregnancy. One of them was to stop TOBI and start HTS twice a day. I was on it for about a month, then boom, the chest tightness and Asthma flare up hits me. Granted I do whatever I have to do, no matter what. However I think I may have figured out what the problem is. After the miscarriage in May I stayed on the HTS only to have an Asthma exacerbation in June. We stopped it for a month or so, went back on for a month, then you guessed it, attack of the Asthma. Why haven't we ever put these pieces together before?

So now we're doing another tapering dose of Prednisone, and no more HTS. Also adding in Albuterol nebs to the mix to clear out this inflammation!

*Fingers crossed that I've finally figured out this mystery!*

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Thanksgiving #1 of 3

Is it just me or is it hard to believe that Thanksgiving is already here!? Wow. We spent our first Thanksgiving today at Scott's parents house with everyone. It was a nice time, good food, and always nice to be around family :) I'm not sure what the highlight of the day was for me....1. My nephew sitting with me and out of his bag of gummy bears he picked out my favorites ones and gave them to me. Too Cute for words. Or.....#2, My niece gave me a poster of Robert Pattinson aka Edward Cullen! Woo Hoo!!! Wonder if Scott will mind If I plaster that bad boy in our bedroom ;)

I also did my part of Ronnie's challenge and ran for 24 minutes today. It was a killer run, and I'm so glad I did it! I set the resistance up, so on the Eliptical it was only a mile, but whoa mamma it was a good run!

My Nephew and I :)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sad, Productive, Happy, and Tired

Yes all of those emotions are playing on me today big time. I've been on the emotional roller coaster on this beautiful fall Saturday.

Sad because we are losing a Cyster Courtney. She has decided to go home to God now. Courtney has fought such an amazing corageous battle these last several months. As saddened I am with the news, I am so proud of her bravery to do things on her terms and respect her decision immensely. Her sister started a blog for all of us to follow her journey, and I thank her for letting us share this time with them. Courtney will be missed so much, but I am happy for her to now be an Angel. We Love you Cyster....

Productive because I started and finished painting our upstairs hallway today. Did the upper half above the chair rail a dark cream color, and below a Mocha color. Looks awesome! I even did some touch ups to the Dining Room and Bathroom moulding. I started this morning around 10, after my mandatory coffee run ;) I finished this evening around 7. T.I.R.E.D. but productive!

I'm Happy because tomorrow starts the first of 3 Thanksgivings for us. We always celebrate Thanksgiving the Sunday before with Scott's family. I can't believe it's this time of year already, but It's my favorite and I'm trying to savor each moment.

I'm Tired because of the crying, emotions, physical labor, and running today. I'm following Ronnie's challenge while he is in the hospital. Deal is you have to either match his walking time, or a running time he gives you for each day while he's in the hospital. What a motivating thing to do! So today I completed a 23 minute run for us! After this day, I sure am beat! Night all.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Friday Fill Ins

1. We need a Cure for CF, too many of my fellow CF friends are very sick right now.

2. I had several patients tell me today how gentle I am at doing their IV's, and it made me smile.

3. If you want to receive, then ask and believe.

4. I'm happy because I have great people in my life.

5. Massachusetts has a proposed 5% sales tax on elective cosmetic surgery; I think I live in Maryland, so.....

6. Family togetherness and traditions makes for a happy holiday.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to Happy Hour and NEW MOON, tomorrow my plans include painting our hallway 2 different colors, and Sunday, I want to go to my inlaws to celebrate our Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Official Gym Member

That right, as of today I am officially a member of World Gym :) Yay. It's right by where I work, and as Nursing employees, we got a great discount of $20 a month! (Granted the people I joined with are the same people who fell off the running wagon with me, but it never stopped me, I'm staying positive!) That includes all classes, everything. Woo Hoo! I couldn't be happier for several reasons.

1. I'm afraid that running outside may do more harm than good, especially when it gets to be freezing here and snowing.

2. I can now run inside in the heat :)

3. I've always wanted to do a Spinning class and/or cardio kickboxing, and now I can.

4. Instead of just doing the Eliptical I have EVERYTHING! :)

5. It's literally steps from work, so off with the scrubs, on with the gym clothes, work out, then home. How easy and convenient is that!?

6. As we all know exercise has huge benefits for CF!

So excited!!! I want to keep this FEV1 on the increase, and I'm GOING TO DO IT!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Exhaustion after IV's?

The best way to describe me for the last 2 weeks is EXHAUSTED. I don't know if it's coming off of the IV's, or what but that's how it's been. I pretty much have come home each day after working at least 9 hours this week and took at least a 2 hour nap. Obviously my body is tired, so I'm listening and resting.

However this exhaustion thing has bummed me out, having no energy means not a lot of running. That is not me at all! And quite frankly it sucks and I hate it :( Maybe I'm being too hard on myself (no surprise there). It also means I've been a blogging slacker too. I'm not sure If coming off IV's does this to people or what? It feels like the energy has been sucked right out of me.

Last night was our first night out in a while, and it was so needed! We had plans that got messed up, but decided to still have a fun night. We went up to an old historic city near us and did a Ghost tour. Pretty cool to do on Friday the 13th. We also had dinner, and went to a haunted bar for a drink. It was a much needed fun night out for sure.

On that note I've decided to get back on track, tired or not. So I went for a great 20 minute run today and it felt nothing short of AWESOMELY GREAT!!!!! I also decided to have a fresh start, and on Wednesday got a mega haircut. At least 6 inches cut off to be exact. My hair is just above my shoulders now. I was scared, but I'm ready for a change and so I put my big girl pants on and did it :) Thanks to my Best Friend who took me there and made me do this!!

The pneumonia has been a HUGE motivator for me, well except for the tired stuff ;) I'm kicking it into high gear today! I've cleaned the house, did all the laundry over the past 2 weeks, put the Halloween decorations away (could you hear Scott cry from where you live? ;) tackled miscellaneous tasks like cleaning out old papers, getting rid of the huge boxes from the IV meds, re-organized the pantry, etc. I'm on a roll! And I made a loaf of Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter bread, and am working on Pumpkin Bisque too.

Goodbye Exhaustion, please be gone for good! And Hello back to normal!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Tuesday Ten (Playing Catch-Up)

There's been so much going on lately that I haven't had too much of a chance to do my usual blogging. So I'm cheating and throwing all of it into a Tuesday Ten...or more :P

1. I'm officially PICC free as of Friday at 6pm :) I'm so thankful that the antibiotics did their job and for how lucky I am. I know that the pneumonia could have been or gotten way worse, all things considered. My FEV has even gotten as high as 2.34 :) Couldn't be happier!

2. My nebulizer decided to break last night. I was right in the middle of my TOBI and bam, it sounded like a crunchy grinding sound. :/ That can't be good! So I'm supposed to have one on it's way to me this evening, thankfully.

3. I was able to get the H1N1 vaccine at Hopkins on Thursday. I was completely not expecting it at all, so it was a nice surprise. I'm wondering though If I'm feeling it's effects now. The last 2 days I've had occasional chills and a low grade temp. I feel fine though, weird.

4. Had a great time In NYC with my 2 girlfriends on Saturday. I was able to get all of the Christmas shopping done that I had on my list for New York.

5. We had our annual Football party on Sunday. Too bad the Ravens lost, but we had a great time. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to have all the friends/family that I love all in our house at the same time.

6. I've been so very exhausted these last few days. I think it's just because we had so much going on these last 2 weeks with the pneumonia, PICC, lack of sleep with the IV's, Scott's Grandfather dying, it's just been a little insane. I'm desperately trying to catch up on sleep! Needless to say my to-do list isn't getting any shorter...

7. I'm doing something HUGE tomorrow...I'm getting my hair cut off!! Ahh!! It's overdue, and I haven't had it short for at least 4 years now. Yikes, I'm so nervous, but excited at the same time.

8. I'm joining a Gym! I've never belonged to a gym before so I'm super excited to do so. One of our offices @ work just moved next door to a gym. We're being offered a deal of $20 a month, classes included. I can't wait! It will be such a nice alternative to running :)

9. I can't believe how fast the Holidays are approaching us. This is my absolute favorite time of year. However, I can't believe that when I was out shopping recently they are already playing Christmas music!? Why does Thanksgiving have to get ripped off?

10. I have a lot of my fellow CF'ers on my mind. Those that aren't doing so well, fighting Swine Flu, in the hospital, awaiting transplant, recovering from transplant....please keep them in your prayers too.

Well that's my update over the last few weeks. It's good to be back, and just about back to normal. Now if we can just get some sleep into the mix, I'll be very very :)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Record Breaking

We've had an insanely chaotic few weeks, both sad and celebratory. We buried Scotts grandfather yesterday, sad, but I got the PICC pulled, happy :)

Went to Hopkins on Thursday and blew record breaking PFT's :) 70% which I haven't seen In a long time. SO exciting! I'm glad I showed pneumonia who's boss ;) I can't explain how grateful I am that the IV's did their job and I feel so much better!

Well I'm on my way to NYC today with some of my friends to do some early Christmas shopping. Hope everyone has a great weekend. Its great to be back to being me again :)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Sad News

Scott's Grandfather passed away last night :( So things are a little insane around here right now for sure. I'm taking a few day mini break but will be back ASAP. I go to Hopkins on Thursday to follow up and do PFT's....the PICC may come out then too, we shall see :)

Have a great week everyone! Hope everyone had a great Halloween!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween @ Work


Today at work we had our Halloween party. Lot's of fun as always, and our patients love that we dress up too. Everyone brings in a yummy dish they made and it just makes for a fun work day. (Always a good thing). This years costume couldn't have been more convenient I must say. Deciding to be a referee was also the perfect way to have a lovely "R" on my arm which also acted as a subtle PICC cover ;) Good times!

Still feeling better each day, and my lungs are very happy. Today's FEV1 meter reading....2.02! NEW RECORD on the meter!!!!
Now off to watch The Great Pumpkin :)

Thursday, October 29, 2009

First Day Back

Well today I decided to give it a whirl and go back to work. Exactly one week ago today is when I was at work, and knew I had pnuemonia and was admitted. It was great to stay home and rest, especially loved being home with the dogs. However, I was beginning to go a little crazy and was happy to get back to work today.

Things went really well overall. The staff, doctors, etc. were all so awesome and happy to see me. I definitely am lucky to say that I truly love my job. I only had a handful of patients to take care of today, so it was a nice way to gently get back into my groove. I was able to all the IV's at work with no problems, ahh what a nice day.

So tonight my Mom offered to come over after work and make me dinner. Woo Hoo! Nothing like mom's cooking. However my Dad called and said he got some fresh Maryland Crabs Steamed! So now they are bringing over steamed crabs for dinner instead. Totally made my day!! :)

Well overall I'd say it feels great to be almost back to my normal. Tomorrow is Halloween at work, including dressing up and making food. Yay!

Did I mention that I blew out on my PFT monitor today and got a 1.99!!!??? That's right!! Couldn't be happier :D

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Apparently I'm an Alien

So I'm on these IV's 4 times a day and they are working wonderfully. However... My dogs clearly look at me as If I've turned into an Alien when I hook them up. It cracks me up every time! So here's my new picture of what I think I must look like to them, roughly 4 hours a day ;)



Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Feeling So Much Better


Not the greatest pic, but meet Peter the PICC line ;)


Well I got home on Saturday night from Hopkins and have been feeling better everyday. It's so nice to be able to treat this bugger at home. Nothing too exciting going on here since I've been doing a whole lot of nothing, but thoroughly enjoying it ;) So the plan is to have the PICC in until roughly November 5th (2 weeks). I'm going back to Hopkins for re-evaluation then, so we'll go from there. I've been doing my FEV1 meter at home just to see how things are improving. I have to say that little meter was right on the money on Thursday when I felt so poorly. Talk about consistency. Each day my numbers are improving dramatically. YAY!!!! :)


Tomorrow I'm going to attempt to go back to work. Overall I'm definitely feeling like me again, and am SO grateful for the support and well wishes from everyone. As for today....I'm going to enjoy this last day off from work. It's my favorite kind of Fall day out there, rainy, colorful leaves blowing around, and chilly. Coffee in hand, IV meds infusing, and I'm feeling good!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Featured on Run Sickboy Run!

Check out my friend Ronnie's awesome blog providing CF awareness and so much more. I was asked to do a guest post about how exercise has increased my lung function. Thank you Ronnie for such a great opportunity to share my story with others! :)


Take a Look!

Friday, October 23, 2009

In The Hospital (Pneumonia)

Well the Asthma exacerbation has turned into a little bit more. I went running on Wednesday evening and when I was done the 2 miles I thought I was going to be kissing the pavement. Whoa I could barely move air at all. So I decided to give it over night to see how I did. Thursday morning I called Hopkins first thing and give them a heads up. Immediately they wanted me to be seen. I left right from work and when I got there I knew that something was going on for sure. It felt just like when I had pneumonia in 1998. What a drag.

I did the PFT's and they listened to my lungs, lots of junk and rales in the bases, which landed me an admission. My FIRST adult admission ever I must say :( I know it's the best thing, but it's been tough to be here I must admit. Especially not being used to this at all is so weird. Each new nurse that I meet is puzzled that they don't know me. I guess that should make me feel good.

So I got the PICC put in this afternoon. I'm having TOBI and Cefipime infusing on me, as well as oral Bactrim. The PICC is apparently too far in my heart (In the Right Atrium) and it needs to be in the Superior Vena Cava. Now I'm just waiting for the IV team to come in and readjust me as needed so I can get my meds again.

I miss home, I miss the dogs, and just hope I can go home soon. We're waiting for Home IV care to be set up. However it being Friday, and everyone has left for the day I might have to stay over the weekend :( Fingers crossed that's not the case. Everyone has been great, and the well wishes I've received on Facebook, and texts mean the world to me.

Positive thoughts.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Joys of Asthma

So Monday started another lovely exacerbation of Asthma. I called up to Hopkins to talk to my nurse. I have 2 different nurses, one I love and one, not so much. The not some great one talks to you like your stupid and don't take care of yourself. Hence, I'm not a big fan of her at all unfortunately. So she called me back and I told her what was going on. At first she just kind of blew off what I was saying and started to quiz me on how to prevent the flu. The voice in my head was screaming "Are you kidding me lady!" I think she forgets I've had CF for 29 years, and am also a RN. Grrrr. However I politely answered her degrading questions so I could get off the phone with her ASAP.

She wanted to do nothing for my exacerbation to be honest. Just "keep doing what I'm doing." I then reminded her that I am only on Advair for inflammation. I asked her for a course of Prednisone, and Albuterol Nebs. She did agree to both after I had to remind her that I have Asthma also. I don't mean to sound negative, It's not me. However I just have a hard time when I'm trying to be proactive and take care of my myself and she is just blowing me off. Sometimes I truly wonder if she should be practicing as a nurse anymore. She's told me on different occasions that Sudafed is not a decongestant!? Hmm yeah I wonder about her. If you have patients who are 100% + compliant, she really needs to not be a road block.

So I'm on my course of Prednisone for 10 days weaning down to 10 mg. So far the Albuterol nebs are opening up the airways nicely and It feels great. I've also kept on running and pushing it. I figure I can't let this get in my way. So I've pushed hard and have ran some really tough workouts the last few days. It sure is good at getting stuff out though, woo.

Hoping for total relief here soon. At least I can do some nebs while I'm at work, that's cool ;)

Monday, October 19, 2009

Dear Pop,


My Pop and I at my wedding in 2004....A tribute to my Pop


Today would have been your 76th birthday. You popped into my head first thing this morning, much as you do every single day. To say I miss you is an understatement. I don't even think it's possible to put into words how much of a hole there is in my heart now that you aren't here. You were by far the best Grandfather on this earth to me, and for that I'll always be grateful. I wish so badly that you were here today for me to call you and wish you a happy birthday. I'd sing to you on the phone (even though it sounds awful) you'd laugh, and we both know you'd sing to me on my birthday. I know that you are here with me, I don't even need to explain it, I just know it. I pray to you every night that you watch over all of us in the family and keep us safe and healthy. You do that for us and again, I thank you for that. Every time I cracked open a yummy Maryland crab this summer guess who I thought of? :) My Pop, since crabs were/are our favorite!!!! Every time I hear the song "Bad Bad Leroy Brown" your favorite song ever I laugh and cry at the same time. Pop, I hope you had a nice birthday today. I'm sad that Pancreatic Cancer took you away from us so soon, you mean the world to me. XO
Love, Your Jess

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Herbals?

I'm wondering if anyone has tried any Herbals, and if they worked? I've had my second sinus infection in 2 months and that motivated me to do some research. Granted as a nurse, I'm around tons of people all day long so colds are inevitable. My coworkers have been very sick lately and I really really don't want to get what they have. So along with the immune system herbals I found others that I thought may be helpful, even CF wise? We'll see.

I purchased:

Zinc
Echinacea
Milk Thistle
St. John's Wort
Cinnamon
Garlic

I'm interested to see if I see/feel any differences. I'm just trying to be pro-active, especially in this awful flu season thus far.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Dear Sinuses,

I have a few things I'd like to tell you. You're getting a list, since I don't think you deserve a formal, nice letter. This is probably because I don't like you.

1. You are making me a very "unhappy camper" which is not my style at all.

2. I wish you would play nice and cooperate given that the many other areas/systems of my body are affected by your ignorance.

3. Didn't you just visit me labor day weekend Mr. Sinus infection? Did you miss me? Back so soon?

4. You'd better stay out my chest or else, buddy!

5. I want to thank you for making me do more of my favorite (insert sarcasm here) sinus rinses, yummy. ;)

6. Your sincere evilness has made me not be able to taste foods adequately. Don't you know I love to eat!?

7. Your constant drainage (which I will admit has not been as bad this time, thanks) makes me feel like a piece of sandpaper is in my throat. Oh and the hoarseness.....well that's just awesome, I love sounding like a dude when I talk.

8. Your making me stay in this weekend, however I'm glad you've decided to visit on such a rainy weekend.

9. If I didn't have a mirror, I'd swear Mr. Sinuses that my head is the size of a fat watermelon, weighing about 87 pounds.

10. Your drainage has made me feel so nauseated today that I thought I was going to barf on one of my patients. That wouldn't have been very nice of me!

Thanks for listening, and please go away soon.
Love,
Jess ;)

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

You Know You're Doing Your VEST When...

When you break the chair, from all the crazy Vest shaking! ;)

This is what has happened to my poor chair. I have to laugh about it though because after doing my vest in this old chair for so long it finally snapped...literally, in 2 places. Thought those of you who "Vest" would truly appreciate this ;)

Monday, October 12, 2009

Up Up and Away

I bought a home FEV1 monitor several months ago. I try not to obsess over the numbers, but sometimes I do just that. So over the course of the year I've seen a huge improvement! That along with my continuous efforts to run several times a week. So after work today I blew into the monitor and got the HIGHEST number I've EVER gotten!!!! I thought I was going to burst I was so excited!!!

When I got home I did my Monday run, and felt great! I was able to do 2 miles in 24:03. The coworkers said they wanted to start back running today with me after work. Did it happen? Unfortunately not, but that's ok, I couldn't be happier for my own progress and FEV1 today!! :) And I need to somehow make sure I save this, so I can show Hopkins at my next clinic visit! Woo!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Fall Festival!

Scott and I at the Pumpkin Patch


Beth and I picking Pumpkins



We had a great day today, and HOORAY for FALL being here!!! We got up early this morning and went out to western Maryland for our favorite Fall Festival. It was a wonderful day, and I just loved every single minute of it. It was Scott, my best friend Beth, and myself. Beth actually spent the night last night, so I had grade school sleepover flashbacks. Ha ha, except this time we were on my back deck enjoying Pinot Grigio, not kool-aid (which I still LOVE) by the way :)

This morning we started off at Starbucks for our favorite Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Then we headed out for about an 1.5 hour drive. It was just beautiful too. The leaves changing colors, the crisp air, the overcast sky, the smell of fall in the air....ahh it was awesome!!!

We walked several miles all around town, and got a great workout since we were in the mountains, hence these legs are super tired. We went to tons of yardsales, and ate amazing food!!! I think by 10 AM I'd already eaten 2 pieces of pizza, and Italian sausage sandwich, and had a Coke. The we walked by a stand that sold "butterfly fries" and Oh my GOODNESS! Let's just say I had enough salt and calories to feed an army today. We got some great deals today, and I can't wait to go back next year.

On the way home we decided to stop at a local Orchard and Pumpkin Patch. We got apple cider, ghords, large and small pumpkins, apple bread, and some fresh veggies. What a great day!!!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Friday Fill Ins

And...here we go!

1. Sweet dreams is what I was wishing for instead of hearing my alarm clock this morning :)

2. Running the 5K was a huge accomplishment, especially for me.

3. Silliness is the epitome of me :)

4. Setting up our projector and showing Halloween movies in our driveway Halloween night, Cute trick or treaters, and having our annual Halloween campfire is what I'm looking forward to this Halloween.

5. Outstanding or not I am doing my best at Running 4-5 days a week.

6. To be pregnant and a mommy is what I want right now!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to perhaps enjoying a glass of wine, tomorrow my plans include going to Western Maryland for a huge Fall Festival and Sunday, I want to Go to our Renaissance Festival!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Heart Strings Pulled Big Time

Today at work I had a patient that broke my heart. That's part of the job I know and I've dealt with the good and the bad as a Nurse for 7 years now. However I never want to be one of those nurses that becomes cold or immune to feelings. So today I had a 40 year old gentleman that came in with classic "red flag" symptoms. He had 16 pound weight loss, blood in stools, abdominal pains, night sweats, however only for the past 2 weeks.

Immediately upon discovering his symptoms he went to the Emergency Room and was evaluated. They did an abdominal CT scan and saw a suspicious area of the liver. Upon having a liver biopsy it was discovered that he had cancer of the liver :( So he came in today for his colonoscopy to discover or rule out the primary cancerous site. Normally Colon Cancer will spread to the Liver first. He was expecting cancer, and I think we all were, but it's never easy to officially hear it.

While he was my patient I was doing his primary assessment and prepping him for surgery. You could just see the fear in his eyes and the look on his face. Yet the entire time he was nothing short of polite and kind. It ripped my heart out. He had no prior medical history, just this new onset unfortunately.

Us Nurses were deep in coversation and the tech came out of the procedure room and we just knew and all went silent :( It was confirmed that he "was really bad." The rest of the day the moral was just awful at work, and you could just feel it in the air. His prognosis isn't good at all and he needs aggressive treatment immediately.

I'm way too deep of a thinker at times and I know it. However today I couldn't help but just watch him and his wife in the surgical discharge area just sitting there together awaiting their fate. It was awful. Can you imagine what that must be like to prepare yourself to be told you probably only have a few months to live? It upset us and I haven't been able to get him off of my mind all night long. As his nurse even, and I know that was a small part today, but I feel like I was kicked in the gut with him. Sadly, I deeply hurt for him and his family. He's just 40 years old :(

Things like this run in waves at work too. We'll go months without a serious problem, or prognosis. And wouldn't you know it that as soon as we said that it was going to start.....the very next patient that came out of surgery had colon cancer too!! :(

It was that kind of day at work where your heart really hurts when you leave for the day. I just think to myself what are my poor patients doing tonight while we go on with our "normal" lives?
I know everyone has their daily tackles of life, and we have many many with CF. However tonight I have a heavy heart. I called Scott earlier just to vent and get it out. He gave me some of my own advice. Know that I did my best and was the best nurse to him which I was. Also he said to let this continue to drive me to fight and work hard at my own health everyday....

It's true no matter how cliche' it is....you just never know! Appreciate each day, because tomorrow could be a different story. This Nurse definitely had the heart strings pulled very hard today....

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

It's the Little Things

So after work today, I made a quick stop at Target. I was doing my thing and knocking out my list pretty quickly. Then this adorable elderly woman comes up to me and puts her hand on my arm and asks me if I know where the coffee pots were. Without hesitation I left the nail polish area (yes I'm obsessed) and helped her out. We got the coffee pot squared away and she was all set.

Before I left to continue my shopping she again gently touched my arm when she realized that I didn't work there. No red Target T-shirt, I was wearing my navy blue scrubs. She started to cry when she realized that I didn't work there and helped her. It was the sweetest thing ever. I was so happy to have helped her out, and never expected that kind of reaction. She said she was just so happy that I was so willing to help her. Once she realized I had scrubs on she asked me what I did. I told her I was a RN and she put her hands up gently around her face and said "Oh my goodness, you're so sweet, what a kind and gentle person." Wow I thought she was then going to make ME cry.

I have to say it's definitely the little things in life like this, that just make your day. It just feels good to help others....

Sunday, October 4, 2009

I Ran the 5K!!!!!


After the Race


Some of the work crew after the 5K


Me running on far right

Woo Hoo!!! This is a huge accomplishment for me and something I can check off of my "Life List." Words can't describe how great I feel right now. At home I've been running several times a week. My neighborhood is relatively hill free, which was a big shocker for today. The run was awesome, but extremely hilly beyond belief. I was a little surprised by the steep steep hills. Whoa mama. I ran the first mile smoothly, then the gigantic hills came, and came, and came some more ;) My little legs were burning like crazy. Even having to slow it down to almost a walk or power walk, I kept going and running. When I saw the finish line I had a huge rush of adrenaline. Wow! So I kicked it into high gear. Par for the course was that the finish line was at the top of a big hill (go figure ;) I finished at 39:03 and I couldn't be happier with myself. On top of that I won a door prize of a $25 gift card! I can check this goal off the list. It doesn't stop here though! The running continues and I hope this feeling of accomplishment, and happy lungs and body continues too!!!




Saturday, October 3, 2009

Nerves

Yeah I'm a little nervous about the big 5K tomorrow. I think it just boils down to this is something huge that I want to prove to myself. I know I can do it, and have been working hard on running several times a week. My co-workers have already said they're not even attempting to run, but are going to walk it. At least it will be good having them there, but I'm essentially doing this alone. I shouldn't be worried, or nervous, since this is a voluntary effort with no pressure. Thing is, I'm putting the pressure on me, to prove that CF won't get in my way and I want to kick this 5K's butt!!!! Wish me Luck! :)

Friday, October 2, 2009

Friday Fill-Ins

ffi

And...here we go!

1. I have a history of Cystic Fibrosis.

2. Fluent Medical Spanish and Sign Language is something I wish I knew.

3. I'm eating (or recently ate) dinner at Ruth's Chris steakhouse for a work event/lecture.

4. Up for work at 0440, get myself together, take care of the dogs, then off to work, and on the road.

5. So that's it, October is here!! Time for all the wonderful things of Fall at it's finest!

6. Even a small victory is still better than nothing!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to Nacho Mama's with the work crew, tomorrow my plans include decorating the house for fall, putting together our adirondack chairs for the deck, and running, and Sunday, I'm running a 5K!!!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Colonoscopy here I come

Well I had my GI consultation today. I really like the doctor a lot. I guess I'd have to considering we're going to get a little personal and all ;) He did a great assessment on me so I felt happy about that. He agreed by looking at my CT scan result from the last bowel obstruction in June that we do need to rule out intussusception by seeing if I have a polyp in my ascending colon. Otherwise everything was pretty normal. I went over my CF meds with him because with some of them he wasn't too familiar. No biggie, I'm used to that. He said he was impressed with my health and that of course made me feel great. He said my abdominal assessment was essentially normal, no liver enlargement, Hemocult negative, etc.

So the big day is November 2nd. Woo Hoo! Since I'm a GI Nurse he was pretty funny and said that since I was very knowledgeable in this area, the need for his instructions was minimal. I was pretty happy with the bowel prep too. I'm so grossed out or maybe just traumatized by Golytely so I was a little nervous about him saying I had to do that. But instead he does a Miralax/Gatorade prep. Works for me, and I was very happy. Well as happy as one can be for bowel prep anyway ;) I'll just be happy when everything is over with and I can have some piece of mind. I'll have the procedure done in an outpatient center similar to where I work with the same Anesthesiologists. That's nice because hopefully I'll have to pull and get to choose my Anesthesiologist. I did for my Upper Endoscopy a few years ago, so that was a perk.

Otherwise that's the hightlight of my day. I went for a great run today and really pushed myself to the limits. That felt great!! The 5K is only 3 days away!!!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tuesday Ten

I kind of feel as If I've been pretty boring recently. I haven't had overly much to blog about really. However here's my list of my Tuesday Ten....Just some random happenings in the life of me :)

1. I won a Happy Hour at a cool place in Baltimore. I never win stuff, so I was very excited!!!!!

2. I did some major outlet shopping on Sunday and to my surprise got a ton of awesome deals, and knocked some Christmas shopping out! :)

3. I've been Running, Running, and more Running. My 5K is this Sunday! Gulp.

4. I have a dinner/GI nurse lecture this week at Ruth Chris steak house, can you say yum!? ;)

5. I've been buying Girl Scout cookies from the Doctors at work like they are going out of style. For some reason I have a hard time saying "No" and so at this rate we'll have cookies to last for about 10 years, ha ha.

6. It was decided this week that I will be hosting our family Thanksgiving here at our house this year. So excited!

7. I'm loving the Fall weather and am making a point to thoroughly enjoy it, and take time each day to appreciate it. Anything from the smell in the air, or the crispness, to a leaf crunching under my feet.

8. I think I've bought a Pumpkin Spice Latte everyday this week, I'm going to turn into a Pumpkin soon.

9. I've had a rough couple of days last week. Family issues, emotional stress, and worrying about things...or everything for that matter. All in all I'm grateful for Scott who is so great at being such a wonderful husband to help me pull through the rough spots.

10. I think I'm going to surprise Scott this Saturday with us going to a Pumpkin Patch to get some pumkins and decorate the house for Fall!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

They're Dropping Like Flies

So the running is going great! (For Me Anyway). My coworkers are slowly bailing out on the running. I started the Couch-5K plan over again because they wanted to start running with me. And now each day that we're all "supposed" to run, there are excuses excuses excuses. It does frustrate me because I stopped my running plan to accomodate them by starting over. I think the only thing to do is look at it positively that it gave me simply more practice.

I'm definitely not letting it affect my attitude or running though. I simply take my gym bag that I have @ work, change and just run by myself when I get home. Yes sir, I am sticking to this and am not going to stop!! I mean I was running long before they joined the group. I just really like having others to run with, and running alone is just that...alone.

They said "We'll start fresh on Monday" hmm...if they don't want to run now, what makes me think they are going to want to try again. And I wonder, do they expect me again to stop my plan and go back to where they are? I can't, I have to keep moving forward. We have our 5K that all of us are supposed to be running in 2 weeks. Running is something that I have to do and will continue it until I'm an old lady ;)

Chin up!

Monday, September 21, 2009

CF Awareness

Hey CF peeps...Want to help out with a cool project??? Visit my friend Ronnie's blog here then! :) He and his girlfriend are working on this aweosme project and could use your help. Check it out. They would really appreciate it!

Friday, September 18, 2009

6 Miles

It's been a good week. I'm super excited to say that I ran a total of 6 miles this week!! :) I've been running on Monday, Wednesday, Friday (with the work girls) and Saturday at home. This week we did a total of 6 miles, not including what I'll do tomorrow. Feels great!!!!!!!!!! And I'm looking forward to keeping up the increase in mileage. :)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Special Patient

I am blessed to get to meet new people every single day being a nurse. Most of my patients will have a story to tell or make simple small talk. Then sometimes there is one that touches me deeply with their life story. I had this experience last week. And I told this patient who of course will remain nameless, that I thought her story was amazing and I wanted to share it. I think she was even more touched by that.

So my patient who was a female was coming in for a routine procedure. She was very nervous, but most patients are when about to go into surgery. I was telling her how to change and what to do with her belongings when I noticed she was trembling. This made me dig a little bit deeper, and I know she needed someone to talk to. So after she pulled the curtain she got onto her stretcher and I began my routine assessment. I took her blood pressure which was sky high, neither one of us were surprised. She looked at me with a terrified look, so I tried to calm her and asked her what I could do to alleviate her anxiety, and what exactly she was so afraid of. She was so grateful she started to tear up. She said she was just so scared to have this procedure, since her father had died of a cancer and she was afraid of the results. We began to review her medical history and she admitted she had a history of HIV. At that moment she started to cry. My heart broke for her. I'm required to ask her how she acquired HIV and she told me of a history of IV drug abuse. I'm happy to say she has been clean for 19 years this January. I let her cry and held her hand and just listened...

We went on with the assessment and I told her I was going to start her IV. She had an episode of Post Traumatic Stress and began to panic at the sight of the needle and cried heavily. While trying to keep my composure I just wanted to burst into tears with her. My heart ached for her and her regrets. She was wonderful with the process, and I talked her through each step of what I had to do. When I applied the tourniquet she cried and almost screamed saying "I used to tie belts to me and rip them tight to get my veins to come up." "I can't believe I used to do this to myself." I rubbed the alcohol on her and I thought she may pass out, but she was so strong and brave and told me that I had a job to do and not to let her get in the way of that. Of course easier said than done, because I truly felt for this woman. I put the needle in and she started to shake horribly. Almost like someone would while having a seizure. It was awful, but very quick and she was able to stop. The whole time she was having flash backs of her drug abuse days. You can tell it was every bit of traumatic.

I sat there with her and consoled her and finished up our work. She warned me that she had no veins left from the abuse. I reassured her in a joking way, that I was a pretty good vampire and we'd be A-OK. And we were just that. I got her IV in a tiny area on her hand and I have to say even I was happy to find one that worked. She immediately thanked me and cried and cried some more. She was so grateful to GOD for letting her get this far in her life. She thanked GOD for letting her be a survivor. She thanked GOD for letting her be clean for almost 19 years, and for giving her re-birth. She cried that these horrible things she'd done to herself had caused her to have HIV and she doesn't understand what made her do those things to herself. She frequently cried out "Why, why did I do this to myself!?"

She inspired me so much. Her faith alone was amazing to me. She had so much to be grateful for despite her past and she knew it. She made it through the dark and now is able to live this new life as a "clean" adult. Through her tears (and almost mine) I reminded her that sometimes in life we all make mistakes. Some of those mistakes are much bigger than others and have extremely different outcomes or circumstances. What matters is what you choose to do with those lessons and experiences. And I told her to be proud of herself. Yes she made some mistakes that could have taken her life, but look at what she gained from it as well. From those life experiences, she now is who she is today. She's a drug free, Faithful, and turned her life around and now has a gift to help others who are in the shoes she once wore.

At the end of our triaging I wheeled her back to the O.R. I stayed with her until it was time to start her procedure. As soon as she was in recovery in her sleep she was calling for me. I went over to her and when she opened her eyes she said " Jessica, I don't know If you've been told this today, but I want you to know you are an Angel who made my day."

Sometimes patients just leave a mark on you....And I'm happy to say her procedure went 100% perfectly.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Soupy Saturday

Cancelled this weekends plans to stay in and feel better. Was supposed to go to a birthday party for my friends daughters 1st birthday. Then to a surpise party for 2 of my cousins tonight. Better to be smart and stay in, plus I don't want to spread this germs to anyone else. Relaxing is the name of the game this weekend.

As some of you know I love to cook. So today I thought I'd make some comfort food for the weekend. I'm feeling better overall, just sound awful. I think it's a combo of the TOBI and the cold, but probably more of the TOBI. Cooking just makes me happy and definitely made me feel better today. In all the years of cooking, experimenting, and recipes I've done, I looked back and realized I've never made Chicken Noodle Soup. So today I did just that. I made a great pot of soup from scratch and it was delicious. I was on a roll and also made 2 loaves of Pumpkin Bread from scratch. Then I did bread with home made herbed garlic butter. YUM! Nothing like eating warm comforting foods when you have a cold. It was perfect.

Tomorrow the cooking continues with Caprese Bread, Pumpkin cheesecake bars, and Pumpkin and Shrimp bisque. Tomorrow also brings FOOTBALL Sundays back! So far this relaxing weekend plan couldn't be any better. Well....I guess it could be better is this junk in my chest would go away :) If not better by Monday I'm going to call Hopkins and see what they feel safe prescribing me. Hopefully won't need antibiotics, but we'll see.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Tobramycin Remedies? Please.

I'm feeling better and I think I'm doing pretty good at keeping this cold out of my chest. Hooray for that. Those sinus rinses (as gross as they are) sure are amazing! I'm currently on my TOBI cycle, started 5 days ago. It works wonders and is so great, however I lose my voice just about completely every time I am on it. I've asked the doctors if there is anything I can do or take to help with this. They said they weren't too sure, but to just gargle warm salt water which doesn't help unfortunately. Maybe some others out there who take TOBI know something that works for the voicelessness???

I bought Airborne at Target today. I figure it can only help keep this cold from getting worse. And a little immunity boosting is always nice :)


*Remembering 9/11 we will never forget*

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Pretty much on Track

Well I called Hopkins to touch base with them today about the cold. I went to work and did well just tired of course. No fevers, just lots of sinus drainage and the annoying hack. Anyway Hopkins decided to hold of on the Levaquin after all since we're TTC again. Basically I'm to do what I was doing in the first place....TOBI 2x/day, HTS daily, Sinus rinses 2x/day, Pulmozyme daily, up the vest to 2x/day if needed, and Mucinex 2x/day. Sounds good to me.

*fingers crossed*

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Sick day #2

I'm home from work today feeling worse actually. Last night I took Nyquil and it knocked me out for about 12 hours. I woke up to my head being so congested that I felt dizzy. And things in there are changing colors so that means infection. Ugh. I'm just hoping I can try to prevent it from going into my chest. I'm doing my vest 2x a day, Sinus rinses 2x a day, and am on TOBI currently so that helps. I also got a RX for Levaquin. I'm trying to stay as Proactive as possible. So I hope this does the trick. This head cold or whatever it is is actually making my face hurt. Heres to a day in bed....and to feeling better soon. Oh you stupid cold, you won't get me down!!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

SICK

Ugh it's that time of year for the lovely change in seasons cold. Well at least I hope thats all it is. It started yesterday when we were out just enjoying having the day off. I had a continuous runny nose and just didn't feel right. Sure enough as the day went on I felt worse. By this morning I now have a mega sore throat and just want to go back to bed.

So here I sit at work because I thought I'd be ok to come in and maybe I'd feel better once I got up and moved around some. Wrong. I'm drinking OJ, taking Zicam, Vitamin C, Cold-Eeze lozenges, and Day-Quil. Please cold or whatever you are go away soon. :/

Just waiting for the boss to come in and tell her I'm going home....

Saturday, September 5, 2009

First CF meet up

Today was a wonderful day and a first for me. I met up with some of my fellow Cf'ers that live in Maryland and it was awesome!! Like I've said before I've never met anyone else with CF, let alone people that are so close to where we live. Thanks to the lovely CF sites like CF2chat.com and CF.com, and good old Facebook I've met some amazing people with CF that I can say I'm friends with now. I love it.

So the meet up today was for my friend Danny's 2 year lung transplant anniversary. We went to our Maryland Renaissance festival for the meet up party. I also met another fellow CF friend, Juliet. Over all it was an amazing day. All of us talked and enjoyed each others company as if we'd known eachother for years. We got to enjoy foods, drinks, and fun. We got some great pictures too which are already posted on FB. I can't think of a more wonderful thing to celebrate. I'm so happy I was able to be a part of it.

I'm definitely hoping that we can do more meet ups in the future. Some of us have talked about meeting in NYC for the day possibly. All I can say is, it was such a great experience today. I'm so extremely grateful for having the opportunity in this last year via the CF sites, blogs, and FB to have met such wonderful people who have truly impacted my life.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Friday Fill Ins

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Friday Fill-Ins


And...here we go!

1. I feel exhausted.

2. Shopping is always fun.

3. Right now, I can hear these things: My vest and nebulizer

4. It's almost Fall and I'm glad Starbucks already has the Pumpkin Spice Latte back!

5. The last time I ran was today.

6. Mandatory overtime this week makes me happy about having off this Labor day weekend.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing at our campfire via our fire pit, tomorrow my plans include meeting some fellow CF'ers at our Renaissance Festival, and Sunday, I am going to a graduation party for my cousin who just received his Masters Degree.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Thankful Thursday

There are so many things I am thankful for in my life. My health, family, friends, our home, job, CF network, positive outlook, I could go on and on forever....

However today I am most thankful for MY BED. Today was anticipated by us all week as being the longest work day ever! And just as promised it was. Getting to work at 5:45 in the morning and being on your feet all day long without barely a chance to take a bathroom break means exhaustion. I was on my feet today for about 14 hours and am beat. Kind of to the point where you are so tired and exhausted that your body aches and you feel sick. I'm home alone tonight since Scott is playing cards with the guys. Maybe I can train the dogs to rub my feet? ;)

I'm extremely grateful for my job and love it. But I'm pretty sure I can hear my bed calling my name right now. I am happy to oblige and go collapse in it!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

First 5K run!

That's right, today I signed up to do my very first 5K run!!! I'm so excited for this. Talk about a great goal to work towards. I've been doing the couch to 5K plan for a while myself. Then when the girls at work started to run with me, I started over and together we began at the beginning. The 5K is Sunday October 4th. By the time of the 5K we'll be at week 7 of 9 which has you running 2.5 miles in about 25 minutes. Very exciting!

The 5K supports the Colon Cancer Foundation. This run is dedicated in the memory of a patient of ours who lost the battle to Colon Cancer a few years ago. I can't wait to do this!!!

And the running continues! :)

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Tuesday Ten (Happy September)

Hooray for September! It's officially the start to my most favorite time of the year! So I'm dedicating today to 10 things I'm looking forward to in September :)

1. I'm super excited first of all to be meeting some fellow CF'ers this weekend!! I've never met anyone else with CF so I'm super excited, also a little nervous (in a good way). I'm meeting them at our Maryland Renaissance Festival. It'll be great to actually meet some of the CF folks that I talk to on Facebook, CF.com, and CF2Chat. Very Cool.

2. My favorite wine Festival is this month in a very rural beautiful part of the state. By far my favorite festival of the year.

3. Going to an expenses paid party at a piano bar in Baltimore called Howl at The Moon. My cousin won a free party there and I'm going. I feel super cool too because it's VIP and you have to be on a list to get in. Woo Hoo!! I know I'm a dork, but it's the little things that make me :)

4. I'm going to see U2 this month and I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enough said.

5. Going outlet shopping to my favorite newly remodeled Outlets. Yay! This could be dangerous ;) However I'm all about getting a jump start on Holiday shopping....oh and buying my Halloween costume too.

6. I have my GI consult this month for my colonosopy. No it's not necessarily desirable I know. However I'll be happy to get checked out and have piece of mind. So to me, it's a good thing.

7. I am doing my re-certification for ACLS (Advanced Cardiac Life Support) this month. As a RN I have to do this once every 2 years. Kind of nerve wracking, but once it's done, I'm good for 2 years. Ahhh.

8. I'm also looking forward to continuing my running regimine. I'm so happy that I have the girls at work to run with now too. It really pushes me harder than ever and I'm feeling and seeing great results. I'm happy to have kept this running stuff up for almost a year now.....and counting!

9. Several surprise parties, graduation parties, and birthday parties this month. Including my nieces birthday party tonight.

10. And here's to FOOTBALL season!!! Woo Hoo!! Time for Football Sunday's, relaxing, and making awesome comfort food!

So Hooray for this time of year.....I also had my first Pumpkin Spice Latte of the season today at Starbucks. Great stuff, and many more to come :)

Monday, August 31, 2009

Waterless

Well today was a great day! (mostly) The weather was a crisp low 70's and just beautiful!! It felt like fall so much today!! The girls and I went running after work and it was a great run. We kicked it up a notch on our running plan and it felt great. My legs already feel the increase, and my breathing felt amazing! :)

However this evening we are waterless. We just had our water treatment fixed and this evening it failed again. I was cleaning up dinner and rinsing off some dishes and bam, zero in the water department. We ran downstairs and luckily Scott is handy and knew what to do for the most part. Shortly there after we called our water guy and he was here literally in 2 minutes which is awesome. Bummer is we still have no water :( The guys are here now fixing it. Hopefully it's fixed tonight or I'll be dunking my head in the water at work tomorrow prior to patients arrival for a sink shower. Yikes...tonight though means no bathroom, no nothing. Luckily my parents live 2 miles down the road ;)

Sunday, August 30, 2009

My weekend

It was great. Friday night we simply vegged out and watched TV. Strangely enough this was very exciting because I'm not a TV watcher really ever. So it was nice to relax in front of the TV and turn my brain off for a while. I'm definitely hoping work isn't as crazy this week and I'm not so exhausted come Friday.

Saturday was great. We had my best friend and her boyfriend over for a "End of the Summer" crab feast. I'm pretty sure they were some of the best crabs I've had all summer. Infact I'm about to finish them off for dinner too :) I'm always super careful when eating crabs now, because all that protein has thrown me into bowel obstructions in the past few years. So it's hydrate hydrate hydrate and all is well (knock on wood) :) We had a great time eating crabs, enjoying drinks, music, and just hanging out. We also made a list of fun things to do with the fall coming up, like haunted hayrides etc. So excited!

Today was a busy work day for us. We started the day off getting coffees and going to Target to get some shopping done. I even bought Scott 2 Christmas presents. A cool Transformers T-shirt, and a Marvel T-shirt. :) Afterwards we came home to chores. I had 2 weeks of laundry to do since last week we couldn't wash clothes since we had our water treatment system replaced. Then I'm proud to announce we FINISHED BUILDING OUR DECK!!!! Woo Hoo!! It was a lot of work today and it was hands on rough work and kicked my butt! Plus I decided to do a 20 minute bike ride, about 3 miles on top of that. So I'm pretty tired tonight.

I also wanted to give Scott a shout out for going back to college again. He already has a degree in computers, but he's going back to pursue a degree in Network Management. I'm so proud of him and all of his hard work and discipline!!! Here's to a great semester Mr. Smarty Pants! :)

Here's to the start of a good week. The work crew and I are now running Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's. I'm so proud of everyones effort and motivation!! Happy week everyone!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Darn You Danny

Hurricane Danny that is.

Hurricane or now Tropical Storm Danny is giving us Marylanders plenty of rain today and this weekend. I love the rain, and quite honestly I welcome it. Especially after a long exhausting over-time induced week of work. I'll take a night of relaxing and vegging out listening to the rain.

However my new friend Danny's weather pattern has decided to wreak havoc on my knees. Who knew at age 29 I could "feel" the weather in my knees. Huh. I'm happy to say that the girls at work have been joining me in my running. I did 2 miles on Wednesday and 1 mile today. No sooner that we started running today (in the misty rain) my knees were killing me. There's no way I could push it past a mile. I'm still happy with the results and felt happy afterwards for my workout. My knees just aren't too pleased right now. So I think I'll enjoy the rain this weekend, and give my knees a rest....until Sunday anyway :)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Unbelievably Touching

I went to visit my Grandmother after work today. She lives an hour away so It's not always easy to just stop by. We had a wonderful visit and I honestly wish I could have stayed longer. While we were at dinner tonight we did a lot of talking as usual. We mostly talk about my Pop whom we miss terribly. Then we started to talk about my CF when I was a baby.

My Grandmother told me that when her mother was extremely ill and on the verge of passing away I was just being diagnosed with CF and was very sick still at the age of 5 months. My future unclear and life expectancy not to reach 14 years old. And when my mother asked it I was going to die, the nurse replied to her "Not Today!" All of this I've known and we've talked about before. However Granny told me tonight that when my Great Grandmother passed away my Granny wrote her a letter and put it in her sleeve at her funeral "to go to Heaven with her." The note was asking her to please watch over me and to take care of me, and keep me healthy due to my having CF. I felt so overwhelmingly touched that I was completely speechless. At the age of 29 and a half I've never known this story, about this letter.

I just wanted to share such a touching story that I learned of tonight. And thank those that are watching over us....

Monday, August 24, 2009

Motivation

Things are better since my last post. And an absolute huge thank you to all of you for your support. Sometimes I just have those days, and I know there will be more to come, and that's ok. I am so fortunate to have such great Friends, Family, and my wonderful network of CF friends. So thank you to you all.

I've been running on my regular schedule again and feeling great about it. One of my coworkers today was talking about running and I heard my named dropped that I was "A Runner" talk about a cool feeling! Anyway apparently some of my coworkers want to start running with me after work, starting on Wednesday :) I'm so happy that I've been able to motivate others to start running with me. Plus having others to run with will only push me further which I love the idea of!

Ran a mile this afternoon after work and it was tough today. The humidity is awful, so I'm thinking maybe it wasn't the brightest idea, but It's something I have to do, and when I get a goal in my head, that's it. So despite the humidity and having to stop a few times I did great and even ran further than my mile.

Had to go to the doctors today to take care of some stuff. For one, I have a lovely UTI. No fun, but things could be worse so no biggie. And I got my referral for my.......colonoscopy, woo hoo. I have to have one now, since I've had 2 episodes of intussusception in the last year and bowel obstructions. One of those perks of CF, ha ha. So this week I'll be calling a Gastroenterologist. I work for Gastroenterologists as a GI nurse, but I don't want my docs knowing me that personally ;)

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Bad Baby Day....not myself at all

This is not my usual type of blogging activity. I've mentioned the misacarriage before etc, but I generally try to leave that part of my life out of my daily (or close to) blogging. Reason is, I suppose I'm afraid of sounding bad, whiney, or negative, which isn't me. Eventhough it is what it is, I just don't like to really blog about it. But today I just need to get some things off of my chest that have been going on for a bit.

Today my heart hurts and it's hurting more than usual. It's been going on since last week. Truth be told these "episodes" we'll call them happen to me in spurts and then I'm fine for a while. Last week one of the doctors I work with (the only female, if we can even call her that) insisted on telling me about how everyone is getting pregnant but me. It took all that I had to stand tall, not let my gut feel the invisible punch it just took, and to hold back those salty tears that wanted to stream down my face. However I did it, I stood there like an emotionless cement wall and let her go on and on. I took it like a champ too, composing myself and keeping my professionalism at it's best. I don't want to let people like her get to me, considering they have zero in the couth department. I then crumbled and had to go into the bathroom and just let the tears fly. Quickly composing myself while the Ozzy Osbourne song "No More Tears" replayed in my head. I needed to get myself together fast. I mean who really wants a nurse that looks like Alice Cooper anyway?

Last weekend it hit me again. Out of no where I just have these non stop tears flowing down my face in which I have no control over at all. It was awful and I felt like impending doom was taking over me. I absolutely hate it when this happens and there truly is no way to deal with it, strickly the passage of time is the only way. I just don't know how else to explain the darkness that sometimes decides to descend up on me dealing with this loss.

I try not to take personal things into work, including the miscarriage. Sometimes patients ask me if I have kids yet, and that's fine. I don't what's the big deal, right? I will share my story with patients few and far between, and when I do, it's usually a very spiritual thing with the support they offer, sort of uplifting in a way. The women I share my story with are those that have been there and know exactly what it's like. That's one of the problems is not a lot of people understand this feeling. I have the most amazing husband, friends, and family on this earth. Difficult thing is, even my mother whom I tell everything doesn't even know how this feels and I know it hurts her to see me like this.

What set me off today was that I was made aware that 2 different people who have what would have been my exact due date in December find out what they were having today. I hadn't really thought about this aspect of it honestly. I hadn't thought about how I'd be showing by now, or how I would probably not feel the nausea anymore, or how I too could know the sex of my own baby (even though we wouldn't find out, I had a feeling of a boy) I never thought back to, gee I'd be 5 months next week. Hearing about them, and having to think about this aspect cut me pretty deep today. I don't want to harp on these feelings, I just want to feel better about everything. I don't want to be sad about this anymore, but I just don't know how not to. I don't like having these eyes that well up on certain days at the thought of this giant void I have in my heart. I don't want people to think that I'm not happy for them or their babies because I am. I'm just sad too. I think I beat myself up too much by not letting myself be sad about it. I don't like to be down nor negative, it's just not me. But maybe I just need to let myself have these days when I need to....

I will continue to work hard and do those things that keep me healthy. Healthy enough to be cleared by the CF docs who tell me to "Go for it!" I will remind myself that this happened once and it WILL happen again. I will continue to exercise and be at my optimum and push myself to the limits. I will think positive and use "The Secret" and believe in my heart and have faith that in time this too will happen again....