Saturday, May 30, 2009

Until next week...

Friday was a nice day. It was the last shift at work for a week, woo hoo! It's funny I felt like a little kid staring at the clock and counting down the hours. I went out with my good friend Julie to dinner on Friday night. Despite the horendous thunderstorms (which I do love, just not to drive in so much) we had a great time out. It's always nice to catch up and of course eat amazing food. Scott went out with a couple of our good friends to happy hour too. I was able to stop by on my way home and surprise them which was nice. I was so glad they were all still there!!

Today we went to Target and picked up all that last minute vacation type stuff. We're packed and officially ready to go to Bermuda! We dropped the dogs off at the Inlaws for the week. Man do I hate leaving them :( I know they are ok, and will do fine, but It just makes me sad. The house is so empty right now without their little crazy selves running around and being my shadows.

The vest company called me yesterday and I'm way overdue for my vest upgrade! Yay for a new, smaller, more compact machine :) I was kind of hoping to get it before the cruise, that way it's more portable and I could take it with me. There's no way to take this huge beast with me, so manual CPT it is. Plus I'll be running and keeping very active which will help me.

SO that's a wrap. It's definitely going to be weird to disconnect from the world for 7 days. It's definitely needed though. Hope everyone has a great week! Here's to the islands, sand, relaxing, and a drink in the hand ;)


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thursday's thoughts

Just one more shift at work then it's Bermuda time! Yay for a vacation :) Today was a really nice day at work and I had some great patients. One of my favorite patients was there today for her procedure and I just adore her. She's so sweet and positive and just lives her life to the fullest eventhough she is disabled from Polio as a child. She is mobile via her "scooter" and she doesn't miss a beat. When I saw her today she said to me "Do you ever get older, because you never look it!?" :) Of course I wanted to hug her, LOL! I'm the only nurse she'll let drive her lil' scooter for her too. May sound weird, but I think it's sweet. Why would I have to drive it one may ask? Well because since I'm the triage nurse, when she goes back for surgery, her stuff has to be moved to recovery. So every year I get to take a cruise in Ms. G's scooter. It's patients like her that make you realize how grateful we are or should be and why I became a nurse. I had another patient who stopped me on her way out to thank me for being so kind to her. As nice as I feel when people tell me I'm a good nurse, and am nice, It makes me sad that they are probably used to bad attitudes from other medical personnel.

I had a good workout today too which made me feel good. Nothing like getting those endorphins going :) I jogged for a mile, and boy was it humid out but I did it. I then biked about 3 miles, totaling a 40 minute workout. I did some weight lifting too afterwards as well. When I came home from working out I was one salty girl. The dogs sure thought it was cool, and they kept trying to lick the salt on my legs, yuck, LOL! :)

I'm not sure what the deal is, but I've been on a major salmon kick recently! I could just eat it every night!.....and I pretty much have. I just add Caribbean Jerk seasoning to it and a little butter. I've been grilling it and it is so delicious! I made 2 salmon filets for dinner thinking that I'd take 1 of them to work for lunch tomorrow. Hmm....yeah that didn't happen since I happily ate them both tonight. If I could make eating a career I would, and man would I be good at it! ;)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Works for me

Today was a surprisingly slow day at work. They don't come very often so It's so nice to get them. To my surprise my boss offered me the rest of the day off! Woo Hoo! I was so happy and I surely took it. We had 4 RN's today and only needed 2. Since I'm always the charge RN It was a nice break for me. So me and my best friend ended up going out for the afternoon. We went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and it was delicious as always! We did some shopping which is always therapeutic ;) What a very nice unexpected half day at work.

I've been on a major kick on going to our "Goodwill" stores. I don't know what it is, but man I'm getting some of the greatest stuff! Today I got 2 new pairs of Adidas running/track pants for a whopping $3.50 wahoo!!! It's the little things that make me happy ;) They had a stationary exercise bike, too bad it was ancient though. I wouldn't mind having one, especially on those days where I can't ride mine outside.

Tonight is off to the Inlaws for dinner, steaks on the grill yum. Man I'm eating GREAT today :)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Back to the Grind

Barely felt any kind of sinus issue today thankfully. I've been keeping on top of the Zicam, and Sudafed routine, along with all the routine meds. My nurse at Hopkins called me today and said that I'm already doing everything the recommend, so that was good. The only problem is that this was a different nurse that the one who told me they'd call me in the "just in case" med. Hmm not sure what I should do since the nurse from today didn't see that it was necessary. I know it's not necessary right now, but we're going away and I do like the idea of having an antibiotic in case this sinus stuff comes back and or turns into an infection while we're away. What to do what to do....

First day back to work after a nice 3 day weekend. It was nice for the most part, but I could just do with out my bosses "negative nancy" attitude all the time. She's such a downer! I try not to let people like that get to me, but sometimes it just bugs me.

Well the rain wouldn't let me run outside today or ride my bike. That's ok though, I did the Eliptical for 25 minutes and ran my butt off! Also did my 2 10 lb. weight lifting. I think I need to do some research on beneficial upper body exercises with my weights. I do about 3 different things with my weights right now, but I'd like to perhaps find something that would be really good for me to do. Thoughts?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Much Better

Luckily the allergy or cold thing has gotten much better. I still feel a little bit cruddy, but overall I'm grateful that I feel good. This morning I woke up with the right side of my sinuses all stuffy, and a low grade fever so that was a bummer. But then I remembered to do a sinus rinse, took some Sudafed (never remember those), and bam I feel a ton better. It doesn't appear to be an infection, so that's a great thing. I still left a message with the doctors office to call in something for me just in case since we're going away for a week. Hopefully I won't need it, but I'll feel better about the "just in case" part.

Today was a pretty lazy day I must say. I wanted to make sure I got plenty of rest and relaxed. Mission Accomplished ;) I returned some phone calls that needed to be made which made me feel better. I finally got the chance to talk to my grandmother since It's been almost 6 weeks. She's been in and out of rehabilitation for her knee replacement, and with me having the miscarriage I just didn't feel much like calling. So today I finally called her and we caught up for 1 hour and 17 minutes. It was really nice and I really needed to just talk to her. I told her all about the miscarriage which of course made me cry, but It's ok It was a huge weight lifted by telling her.

The rest of the day has been spent lounging around the house and I've been reading some cookbooks. We grilled out again tonight and it was awesome. I make jerk salmon and lime rice, yummy :) I did some research on our cruise ship that we'll be on and checked out some of the excursions too. I think we may do some kayaking, and cave hiking, pretty cool. I also discovered that they do have a running track on top deck. Woo Hoo!!!! I'll be able to go running which makes me VERY happy :) !!!!!! They have a 24 hour gym too, which is also really nice and I know we'll be hitting a lot.

Well it's back to work tomorrow, but only a 4 day week, then Bermuda here we come!!! The list of things to do pre-vacation will be growing this week I'm sure....

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Motivation Is...

When you feel like you are definitely getting a cold but force yourself to workout because you know your lungs will be happy you did it. Ugh. That was me earlier, feeling a little under the weather, scratchy throat, maybe feverish?, and very bugged by my allergies.

Anyway I made myself go out and ride my bike vigorously for 30 minutes. I'm sure it was around 5 miles or so. Did my meter when I got home and the numbers were awesome so I felt awesome! It felt really good when I was finished, and hope my body appreciates it ;)
Here's hoping this "cold" is just allergies....*fingers crossed*

Memorial Weekend

Well this morning I woke up with either a bad bout with the allergies and sinuses, or a dumb head cold, we shall see. I'm hoping it's just allergies though since I've sneezed about 1 million times in the last 24 hours. I'm trying to stay on top of it and make sure if it's not allergies, it won't turn into a cold. Thank goodness for Zicam :) Plus we leave for Bermuda in a week from today so I definitely don't want to feel like crud on vacation!

I started the holiday weekend out right on Friday. I had the evening to myself and sometimes you just need that down time. I decided to go shopping and treat myself to some new summer clothes and some new stuff for Bermuda. I ended up hitting some great sales and did very well. Got some sun-dresses for mega cheap, and some new tank tops, got a bathing suit on clearance at Target for a whopping $7! Wahoo! I also went and got myself some dinner at Chipotle, yum! Over all it was a great night of hanging out with "me" :)

Saturday we decided to have a last minute cookout and I'm glad we did. It turned out really well. We had some cousins over, and friends. I made some new stuff this time. It's nice to try out new recipes instead of the same old stuff. So we had, grilled chicken in Italian dressing and A1 marinade....Tomato, Mozzarella, Basil, Vinagrette salad.....Grilled corn on the cob with oldbay or lime parmesan butter....Buffalo chicken dip (which is made for all parties or else they may kill me, LOL)....and for dessert a fresh strawberry tart. YUMMY!!! Everything turned out great and we had a blast.

We've been really trying to be active outside since it's so nice out. So the other day I went for a 1.5 mile run which felt so good to do! Then I got home and Scott was in the driveway with both our bikes out. I thought there's no way I'm going for a bike ride after that exhausting run. Well I caved and I'm glad I did. We ended up riding 2 miles to the grocery store and back. We got some stuff we needed to grill out that night. Of course the deal was he had to carry everything ;) So away we went on our bikes with our groceries in the backpack. I felt awesome after that workout. My FEV1 meter got the highest reading it's ever gotten too. :) How's that for motivation!? Works for me!!! :)

Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Miscarriage

*This may contain Too Much Information*

Unfortunately I had a miscarriage the first week of May. It's not that I want to re-live this event by any means and I wish it hadn't of ever happened. However, maybe by me writing what I experienced, one day it may give someone else the comfort of knowing that they aren't alone. I guess I've just finally come to grips with being able to talk about it and get it off my chest....

We found out I was pregnant on April 20th. We only told our parents for fear of something like this actually happening. About 5 weeks in, I started to spot a little bit. It completely freaked me out and I was terrified. I called the on call doctor and they said to monitor things over night and as long as it is a small amount unlike a menstrual cycle and remains brown in color everything is ok. Needless to say my nerves really didn't calm down at all. It slowed down for about 3 days and went to nothing which made me really happy. Then about 4 days later it all started up again. I called my nurse and she reassured me again that everything sounded normal. Infact many women spot during the first trimester and in some cases even bleed the entire pregnancy. So I actually felt better for a few days.

Then Sunday May 3rd came and things became a lot worse. I honestly think I knew something wasn't right and in my gut I felt like this was bad. I started to notice bright red blood, a lot of it, and clots. I again tried not to panic but I can't even begin to explain the feeling of dread that came over my body. I think I officially know what an anxiety attack feels like now. Oh my goodness I'm pretty sure it was one of the worst feelings of my life thus far. I knew it, I just knew something was wrong. I went to bed that night and tried to sleep, but barely did. Right before bed I got 2 of the worst cramps I've ever felt. Even worse than menstrual cramps. It felt like a knife went through my lower abdomen and came out the bottom. It was horendous. It was only 2 of them and then it didn't happen again all night long. I woke up at 3 am and knew it was time to go to the Emergency Room. For one, things had gotten way worse, and two my nerves were so shot that I couldn't take it anymore. May I also add that Scott's nerves were shot too, and he was so calm and great with me.

We headed to the ER at 4 am and I went to check in. The receptionist asked why I was there and I couldn't even say why. I finally composed myself and said "I think I'm having a miscarriage." I felt like my heart was slowly being ripped out of my chest. We were called back to the triage area after some minor confusion. Apparently there is someone in the area with my exact name, and her date of birth is very close to mine too. So after getting that straightened out that I infact was the real patient we proceeded. The triage nurse was wonderful as she asked me all those dreadful pregnancy questions. I have to say I felt a small gleam of hope because she asked me if I was bleeding through a pad an hour. I was not at all, so I thought that was a good thing for sure. Plus I was still nauseated and had some pregnancy symptoms. Although I know that I could have been nauseated because of my nerves being done for.

Next we went back to a room, I was surprised because we didn't have to wait at all. That in itself was a miracle. My ER nurse came in and she as well was amazing to me. The tech came in and drew my blood and they started to run IV fluids on me since I was dehydrated beyond belief, obviously. They exlained that they would be doing an internal sonogram, as well as a pelvic exam. Yuck the last thing I wanted was someone examining me when I'm bleeding. Gross. However, it's part of the deal and It's what had to be done. They came and took me down to the ultrasound room and performed my first ultrasound. They wouldn't let Scott come into the room with me which kind of bothered me, but I didn't say anything. The sono tech said immediately to me that she would NOT be telling me any results at all and I'd have to wait for the doctors to talk to me before I knew anything. Shoot me now, my nerves were already done for, but now I had to wait even longer. For those of you who've had an internal sonogram, whoa mama. And for those of you who haven't had one it's a little awkward to say the least. Maybe I wouldn't have minded so much if everything were going ok, but I knew something was wrong. So after blood draws, the internal, and sonogram we waited and waited some more. Finally the doctor came back and talked to us. Apparently it was change of shift so we were waiting for someone to read the sono report. Well they brought us good news to our surprise. The doctor said their is a baby with a heartbeat of 93 bpm. The reason for all my bleeding is that I was diagnosed with a subchorionic bleed. Apparently this is normal and usually resolves itself during the first trimester. We were discharged from the ER very happy and relieved. Next step was a repeat Beta (HCG) blood draw to make sure my numbers continue to double as they should everyday. That evening I was bleeding heavy still, but I assumed it was from the "trauma" from all the exams and testing during the day.

The bleeding continued to get heavier, but I kept telling myself it's ok, there was a heartbeat and to think positive. Something in me still had a small feeling of dread honestly. The next morning things progressed as normal, since I had now accepted this to be my "normal." Then at 2pm I knew it had happened. I was working and suddenly I felt something pass. I was mortified but went and checked things out. I passed something, and being a nurse I did check it out. This was also followed by what I can only call a large, gush of blood. I called my nurse and she said it sounded like I had passed the gestational sac. I thought I was going to die when she said that to me. The feeling that came over me was cold, and I felt like pins were being poked all over me. I tried not to panic. I had to wait until the morning to have the repeat blood draw done to confirm if that was the gestational sac or not. Tuesday night was hell and I was terrified to have that blood draw done in the morning. At the same time I was sick of the anxiety and just wanted to know for sure so I could just go on. All night long I could just feel it was dreadful.

Wednesday morning came and I went to work extra early to set up and then ran down the street to the local Quest to have my blood drawn. I asked the lab tech when we'd have the result and she said not until the following morning. Ugh, another day of waiting! So I tried to make the best of the day and not think about it. Easier said than done I must add. Mind you this whole time I'm still bleeding unfortunately and It's just gotten worse.

Thursday morning my stomach was in such bad shape I was just waiting for the phone to ring. I ended up having to call my nurse since I hadn't heard anything and I knew they were open. She called me back and said my Beta was 216. I thought I was going to die. My Beta in the ER was 3,200. I knew right then that the miscarriage was official. I was devistated. I received the call at the nurses station at work and just lost it. I just cried and cried and then cried some more. I called Scott and simply said "It's bad news." He knew and came up to work to pick me up immediately. I couldn't even speak. Literally it felt like someone ripped into my chest pulled out my heart and then punched me in the face. I've never felt so empty, helpless, and a loss in my life. I had to make an appointment to go to the office first thing Friday morning to have my loathed ultrasound to confirm everything. Scott took me to my moms and I just saw her and cried. The rest of the day I just sobbed. I did go over to my cousins house since my cousin in law had gone through this a year prior, and their daughter is now here and is my God daughter. It honestly made me feel better to just hold her and love on her even though my baby had been lost.

Friday we went to the doctor first thing in the morning. The ultrasound tech came in and proceeded yet again with the dreaded internal sono. I was so uncomfortable, crampy, and currently miscarrying so it was quite unpleasant. The tech had a hard time finding my uterus. I felt like saying, "No crap!" But I kept calm like always and just let them do the test. With her very flat affect said "There is nothing in the uterus." It crushed me to hear that. Honestly I was just glad it was over with and now I can move on. The doctor came in to talk to me and even as nice as he was he was very non chalant and made it sound like no big deal just try again, it happens. Well as common as it may be for you in your OB practice this is horrible and not routine for me. I'll admit I've been super sensitive but how can I not be? I'll also had that in retrospect we left the ER that day with false hope. My Beta was clearly already dropping, and my OB nurse told me that the heartbeat was low for 6 weeks. The heartbeat was 93 bpm and apparently should have been 100-160 bpm. I guess hind site is always 20/20.

So we're moving on now. They said to wait at least 2-3 cycles and let my body get back to "normal" again. They said just to call when I'm pregnant again. I've felt a whole variety of emotions. Starting with sadness and crying a lot. Then I get angry and frustrated that people who don't even want kids or don't even care about it get pregnant. It just knifes me and I can't help it. I know I can't be like that and I don't want to be. I'm getting better now and thinking much more positively. The days do get easier and I know in my heart it will happen again. I just need to focus and get back to being me again.

Depite this being such an awful time in our lives, the support we've received from everyone has been so touching and amazing. I'm finding comfort in my family, friends, and co-workers. I can't believe how lucky we are.

I know this was a long long story, but maybe one day someone will read this and it will comfort them to know they are not alone either....

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Moving Forward

Ok so I got back on track with working out and getting myself back to my "normal" stuff. I have to admit it feels pretty darn good too. I still have my "good days and bad days" from the miscarriage stuff. I mean lets face it, it really does feel like someone rips your heart right out. Anyway it's time to move forward and get back to being me again. I'm still sad, still feel the loss, but I need to change my focus. Not saying forget or supress anything, but shift my focus to positivity. I'm a big believer in "The Secret" and the law of attraction. The process of "Thoughts become Things." I need to get back to that mindset again. If you harp on the negative and always feel down, then that's what's going to happen. Of course sometimes no matter what you just have a crappy day, though (lets be real) ;) I made my vision board a while ago which is a part of believing in The Secret, and I have to say almost all things on that board have happened now, or come into my life. That should tell me something :)

So here's to moving forward and thinking positive again. Things will happen again I know it. In the mean time, It's all about working out, focusing, and working on the everlasting goal of increase in FEV1! Here's to staying healthy and being grateful for the wonderful things and people I have in my life that make me who I am.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Not sure if the blog break is really over honestly. Things have been a little down here recently. Had a miscarriage and am just trying to be positive again. I know things will work out I'm just still in the phase of blah-ness.....