Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Guilt and Happiness of a 5K

This morning I ran a 5K for "New Balance Women's Health." I was very happy with my time and more importantly how I felt. As I was running I thought to myself, wow, the only thing really bothering me right now are my knees. How lucky am I? I kept focusing on my lungs and thinking to myself how they weren't bothering me at all. Are they just used to exercise and my running? I kept reflecting (yes, still) on February and the flu and how bad things were. As I was running I kept thinking to myself how lucky I am that my lungs recovered the way they did and how much I depend on running to feel this way.

Insert the guilt part...Sometimes I do feel guilty for how I am able to run. Sometimes I feel guilty recording my exercise on this blog and my accoutability group. I fear people are going to look down on me or think negative thoughts. CF is and can be mega b*tch and I know sometimes others aren't able to run or exercise like this. That makes me ache sometimes. But on the flip side it motivates me. I push myself for the others with CF who I consider to be my friends who can't run. I push myself and run that extra mile not just for me, but for us. This is not meant to be a blah post at all, but It's honestly how I feel sometimes.

I push myself to the limit and know I have a different mindset about things. It's just how I am. I reflect and realize that 4 months ago my life flashed before my eyes and that fear pushes me every single day. So here I am running my heart out and pumping those lungs, making them give me all they've got. I do think we make a great trio If I say so myself ;)

6 comments:

Josh said...

I totally understand where you are coming from, Jess. However, I personally don't think that guilt is the right emotion to feel about it. The severity of your CF was not something you were able to choose and neither was having CF at all.

We all have the cards we are dealt in life and we DO have the choice of how we live that life. You have the gift of reflection and self-realization that allows you to empathize, empower and support people in the CF Community. The fact that you appreciate your health is something everyone admires about you. I'm proud to be your friend and I am proud of you for setting and achieving your goals. I know others are too.

Peaceful things.

Stacey said...

I feel the same way, Jess. I often feel guilty posting on the FB accountability page. I work out so much, because I can at the moment. Just 6 or 8 months ago I could barely function. I love when you post all that you do, so keep it up!!!

Jess said...

Thank you both tremendously for your words of encouragment and for saying such kind things. I'm so honored to have met such wonderful people with having CF. The support is amazing and I thank you both so very very much. It's nice to be able to say how you really feel sometimes about CF and have support...
:)

Colleen said...

Same here Jess. It is hard to see reports of other CFers struggling just to make it through the day, let alone exercise. I went through a stage of feeling guilty, but then I realized I need to turn that guilt into something positive. Instead I spread awareness, participate in Great Strides, and engage in the community all with the hopes of helping others who are too sick to help themselves.

Anonymous said...

I don't usually comment but have been reading your blog a while now. Please do NOT feel guilty for enjoying or recording your accomplishments! You deserve to enjoy your abilities and hard work!! I may not be able to run a 5K but your daily logs give me inspiration to walk up and down the hills in my neighborhood and emphasize how important exercise is in dealing with CF.

Katy said...

I agree 100% with the above comments. As someone who cannot personally exercise as much as I'd like to, I LOVE seeing that you are ABLE to and that you keep PUSHING it to the limit! It inspires me. I know that right now I can't do it, but post transplant - I will hold myself to an even tighter standard, knowing that you are pushing yourself with CF lungs everyday! You are an amazing inspiration, so please DON'T STOP posting your success stories!