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Unfortunately I had a miscarriage the first week of May. It's not that I want to re-live this event by any means and I wish it hadn't of ever happened. However, maybe by me writing what I experienced, one day it may give someone else the comfort of knowing that they aren't alone. I guess I've just finally come to grips with being able to talk about it and get it off my chest....
We found out I was pregnant on April 20th. We only told our parents for fear of something like this actually happening. About 5 weeks in, I started to spot a little bit. It completely freaked me out and I was terrified. I called the on call doctor and they said to monitor things over night and as long as it is a small amount unlike a menstrual cycle and remains brown in color everything is ok. Needless to say my nerves really didn't calm down at all. It slowed down for about 3 days and went to nothing which made me really happy. Then about 4 days later it all started up again. I called my nurse and she reassured me again that everything sounded normal. Infact many women spot during the first trimester and in some cases even bleed the entire pregnancy. So I actually felt better for a few days.
Then Sunday May 3rd came and things became a lot worse. I honestly think I knew something wasn't right and in my gut I felt like this was bad. I started to notice bright red blood, a lot of it, and clots. I again tried not to panic but I can't even begin to explain the feeling of dread that came over my body. I think I officially know what an anxiety attack feels like now. Oh my goodness I'm pretty sure it was one of the worst feelings of my life thus far. I knew it, I just knew something was wrong. I went to bed that night and tried to sleep, but barely did. Right before bed I got 2 of the worst cramps I've ever felt. Even worse than menstrual cramps. It felt like a knife went through my lower abdomen and came out the bottom. It was horendous. It was only 2 of them and then it didn't happen again all night long. I woke up at 3 am and knew it was time to go to the Emergency Room. For one, things had gotten way worse, and two my nerves were so shot that I couldn't take it anymore. May I also add that Scott's nerves were shot too, and he was so calm and great with me.
We headed to the ER at 4 am and I went to check in. The receptionist asked why I was there and I couldn't even say why. I finally composed myself and said "I think I'm having a miscarriage." I felt like my heart was slowly being ripped out of my chest. We were called back to the triage area after some minor confusion. Apparently there is someone in the area with my exact name, and her date of birth is very close to mine too. So after getting that straightened out that I infact was the real patient we proceeded. The triage nurse was wonderful as she asked me all those dreadful pregnancy questions. I have to say I felt a small gleam of hope because she asked me if I was bleeding through a pad an hour. I was not at all, so I thought that was a good thing for sure. Plus I was still nauseated and had some pregnancy symptoms. Although I know that I could have been nauseated because of my nerves being done for.
Next we went back to a room, I was surprised because we didn't have to wait at all. That in itself was a miracle. My ER nurse came in and she as well was amazing to me. The tech came in and drew my blood and they started to run IV fluids on me since I was dehydrated beyond belief, obviously. They exlained that they would be doing an internal sonogram, as well as a pelvic exam. Yuck the last thing I wanted was someone examining me when I'm bleeding. Gross. However, it's part of the deal and It's what had to be done. They came and took me down to the ultrasound room and performed my first ultrasound. They wouldn't let Scott come into the room with me which kind of bothered me, but I didn't say anything. The sono tech said immediately to me that she would NOT be telling me any results at all and I'd have to wait for the doctors to talk to me before I knew anything. Shoot me now, my nerves were already done for, but now I had to wait even longer. For those of you who've had an internal sonogram, whoa mama. And for those of you who haven't had one it's a little awkward to say the least. Maybe I wouldn't have minded so much if everything were going ok, but I knew something was wrong. So after blood draws, the internal, and sonogram we waited and waited some more. Finally the doctor came back and talked to us. Apparently it was change of shift so we were waiting for someone to read the sono report. Well they brought us good news to our surprise. The doctor said their is a baby with a heartbeat of 93 bpm. The reason for all my bleeding is that I was diagnosed with a subchorionic bleed. Apparently this is normal and usually resolves itself during the first trimester. We were discharged from the ER very happy and relieved. Next step was a repeat Beta (HCG) blood draw to make sure my numbers continue to double as they should everyday. That evening I was bleeding heavy still, but I assumed it was from the "trauma" from all the exams and testing during the day.
The bleeding continued to get heavier, but I kept telling myself it's ok, there was a heartbeat and to think positive. Something in me still had a small feeling of dread honestly. The next morning things progressed as normal, since I had now accepted this to be my "normal." Then at 2pm I knew it had happened. I was working and suddenly I felt something pass. I was mortified but went and checked things out. I passed something, and being a nurse I did check it out. This was also followed by what I can only call a large, gush of blood. I called my nurse and she said it sounded like I had passed the gestational sac. I thought I was going to die when she said that to me. The feeling that came over me was cold, and I felt like pins were being poked all over me. I tried not to panic. I had to wait until the morning to have the repeat blood draw done to confirm if that was the gestational sac or not. Tuesday night was hell and I was terrified to have that blood draw done in the morning. At the same time I was sick of the anxiety and just wanted to know for sure so I could just go on. All night long I could just feel it happening...it was dreadful.
Wednesday morning came and I went to work extra early to set up and then ran down the street to the local Quest to have my blood drawn. I asked the lab tech when we'd have the result and she said not until the following morning. Ugh, another day of waiting! So I tried to make the best of the day and not think about it. Easier said than done I must add. Mind you this whole time I'm still bleeding unfortunately and It's just gotten worse.
Thursday morning my stomach was in such bad shape I was just waiting for the phone to ring. I ended up having to call my nurse since I hadn't heard anything and I knew they were open. She called me back and said my Beta was 216. I thought I was going to die. My Beta in the ER was 3,200. I knew right then that the miscarriage was official. I was devistated. I received the call at the nurses station at work and just lost it. I just cried and cried and then cried some more. I called Scott and simply said "It's bad news." He knew and came up to work to pick me up immediately. I couldn't even speak. Literally it felt like someone ripped into my chest pulled out my heart and then punched me in the face. I've never felt so empty, helpless, and a loss in my life. I had to make an appointment to go to the office first thing Friday morning to have my loathed ultrasound to confirm everything. Scott took me to my moms and I just saw her and cried. The rest of the day I just sobbed. I did go over to my cousins house since my cousin in law had gone through this a year prior, and their daughter is now here and is my God daughter. It honestly made me feel better to just hold her and love on her even though my baby had been lost.
Friday we went to the doctor first thing in the morning. The ultrasound tech came in and proceeded yet again with the dreaded internal sono. I was so uncomfortable, crampy, and currently miscarrying so it was quite unpleasant. The tech had a hard time finding my uterus. I felt like saying, "No crap!" But I kept calm like always and just let them do the test. With her very flat affect said "There is nothing in the uterus." It crushed me to hear that. Honestly I was just glad it was over with and now I can move on. The doctor came in to talk to me and even as nice as he was he was very non chalant and made it sound like no big deal just try again, it happens. Well as common as it may be for you in your OB practice this is horrible and not routine for me. I'll admit I've been super sensitive but how can I not be? I'll also had that in retrospect we left the ER that day with false hope. My Beta was clearly already dropping, and my OB nurse told me that the heartbeat was low for 6 weeks. The heartbeat was 93 bpm and apparently should have been 100-160 bpm. I guess hind site is always 20/20.
So we're moving on now. They said to wait at least 2-3 cycles and let my body get back to "normal" again. They said just to call when I'm pregnant again. I've felt a whole variety of emotions. Starting with sadness and crying a lot. Then I get angry and frustrated that people who don't even want kids or don't even care about it get pregnant. It just knifes me and I can't help it. I know I can't be like that and I don't want to be. I'm getting better now and thinking much more positively. The days do get easier and I know in my heart it will happen again. I just need to focus and get back to being me again.
Depite this being such an awful time in our lives, the support we've received from everyone has been so touching and amazing. I'm finding comfort in my family, friends, and co-workers. I can't believe how lucky we are.
I know this was a long long story, but maybe one day someone will read this and it will comfort them to know they are not alone either....
Thursday, May 21, 2009
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