Notice the pics of food on my award, especially the Mac-N-Cheese. Boy, do they know me or what? ;)I've always been told I should have been a counselor. Being a Nurse, in a sense I am a counselor among wearing many other hats. I'm the person in the grocery store that random strangers gravitate to and start conversations with. I've been told I have "a way" about me, and people are drawn to that. In our family and in life I suppose I've always been the peace keeper, middle man, and "the nice one."
Well on my business trip this week, that was cut short because of the acts of a stalker. Sparing details, I was followed, it got bad, and I was flown home urgently. I am still shaken up and can't seem to shake this awful sense of pure "creepy-ness" and I hate it.
I hate how someone took the person that I am and used those qualities to make me feel scared, and actually terrified as to what may have happened. How do you get past someone making you question who you are? I'm just not sure....
Luckily I have the most amazing support system, loving, and abundantly caring people in my life. And for this I am truely grateful.
My boss ahem "resigned" 2 weeks ago and I was offered the job as Nurse Manager of our center. The chief of the practice, and the practice administrator came to be privately and offered me the job that same day. I accepted. Now I'm not sure If I'm happy...at all.
For the past 6.5 years I have loved my job, and truly enjoyed going to work each day. I loved my job in all aspects, and felt like what I did mattered. Taking care of my patients made my day.
Now it appears that I will be doing mostly administrative stuff, and so far I feel like a "paper-pusher." My patient care time with be almost non existant, as I will be in charge, and have a Nurse that already has filled my position as a floor nurse. I'm scared.
I know that I have to be fair and give this job a chance. But what if I hate it? What If I made a huge mistake? I think I would feel like a failure to tell them I'm unhappy and want my old job back. Granted I didn't apply for this, I did it because they asked me to. I know I can do it, and keep telling myself If my old boss could do it, anyone can!
I just don't like bringing work home with me. I don't like worrying if I did everything right. I'm unsure of myself right now and don't like that feeling. I'm anxious as of recently, and have had significant knots in my stomach. I'm trying so hard to think positively, but it's hard without a million thoughts going through my head. I have to travel (a tiny bit, but still) for this job too. I don't think @ 30 years old I want to be done taking care of patients :( And I certainly don't want the stress level to affect my health.
I'm so unsure of myself right now...
Things have been really crappy in the CF world recently. I can not believe that we've lost yet another friend to CF. It sucks, sucks bad. It makes me want to take a break from the forums and crawl in a hole for a little bit. But then I feel like I'm handling it the wrong way and turning my back on friends, and someone that may need me, as I need them. Again my way of dealing with these losses is just to push myself harder. I've kicking my own butt at the gym and am very happy with myself. Yesterday I did only the treadmill, and ran for 30 minutes. Woo was a I tired, oh and gross, salty, and sweaty ;) TOTALLY worth it!
Speaking of when it rains it pours...so today at work somehow the topic of discussion between 2 of the doctors was miscarriages, awesome! (NOT!) And guess who was accidentally included in this discussion?, ugh, me. I'm been queen emotional today, and this just set me off. I know I know, yes again it has set me off and I hate it. I would have been due in 20 days :( It's not easy to stay positive all the time when it comes to this baby thing, but God knows I try. Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about it. I knew December was going to be hard for me. I've been doing my best to keep it in, think positive, and not let it get the best of me. However, today I was unsuccessful. Oh well, there's always tomorrow.
Today I had to take care of a patient who was blind, deaf, and mentally challenged. I feel like this patient was sent to me to give me some perspective. Despite being kicked and scratched by this poor patient I am grateful for taking care of her today. Things could be worse, and someone always have a worse situation going on. This poor woman broke my heart. She kicked, scratched, and cried.
Please please please let this day get better. I'm so sick of the negativity lately :(
There are so many things I am thankful for in my life. My health, family, friends, our home, job, CF network, positive outlook, I could go on and on forever....
However today I am most thankful for MY BED. Today was anticipated by us all week as being the longest work day ever! And just as promised it was. Getting to work at 5:45 in the morning and being on your feet all day long without barely a chance to take a bathroom break means exhaustion. I was on my feet today for about 14 hours and am beat. Kind of to the point where you are so tired and exhausted that your body aches and you feel sick. I'm home alone tonight since Scott is playing cards with the guys. Maybe I can train the dogs to rub my feet? ;)
I'm extremely grateful for my job and love it. But I'm pretty sure I can hear my bed calling my name right now. I am happy to oblige and go collapse in it!
It's been an extremely busy week work wise. I've been working very long hours since I'm in charge all week. It's definitely making me exhausted. My days are basically work, nap, dinner (which recently is a bowl of cereal) since I'm so tired, then back to bed again. What an exciting week huh?
I got my new running shoes in the mail this week. I'm SO EXCITED! For one, I got to ditch the ortho shoe. Two, I haven't been able to find the shoe I was looking for until I found them on Zappos.com, awesome. And Three, It's back to full force running again. I hope I didn't lose too much while having the bum foot and not being allowed to run. Oh well, even If I did, I am determined to get it back very soon and then push my goals even further!
I think the Prednisone is helping now. I felt better today so I was very relieved about that. Still voiceless mind you, but feeling better. Good work day, very busy as usual but nice overall. I'm the Charge RN for the week and things having been going well. I had a patient today that kind of got to me. She was a 65 year old woman, but I thought she looked WAY older than that. I got her vitals and got her situated and her O2 sat on Room Air was only 71%!!!! To quote the patient "Don't have a heart attack when you see my oxygen numbers they are always like that." WOW!! So needless to say I put her on O2 at the bedside, but cautiously since she has severe COPD. At 3 Liters we got her Sats up to 91-92%. Of course I had to question her history, and she continues to smoke everyday and has no desire to quit. So sad. Then I go to cannulate her IV and she bled all over my pants and me :( Ugh...did I say it was a good day at work? What was I thinking ;)
I kicked it into high gear today when I got home and did a great workout. Got on the Eliptical for a total of 35 minutes and sweated my butt off! LOL! I found a new way to keep me pumped and not get bored. For 60 seconds I go an medium speed, then the next 60 seconds I go as fast as I can. Whoa does it work!!! So I did that and then cooled down for 5 minutes. I stuck to my guns and relaxed yesterday so today was back to the daily workout grind. I then did some quick weight lifting too. So overall I feel pretty good today and happy that my breathing feels better. I did my meter after working out and got high numbers too, woo hoo!! I had the potential of getting a new exercise bike today but it didn't work out. One of the doctors I work for said they were having an auction at her gym and she was going to bid on a "Lifecycle" for me. We had a good shot, but got out bid. No biggie, I keep doing my research for bikes and I'm sure will find a good one.
Tonight Scott had a good idea to have a relax movie night. I couldn't agree more!! It's been a crazy time around here recenlty. I've been upset about the loss of the CF'ers, and with my inflammation going on it's been a little rough. So we got the new "Friday the 13th" movie. He picked up our favorite pizza, mozzarella sticks, and wings on the way home and we had a nice little movie night. That movie was good too and of course scary and gross!
I'm hoping that I actually get some sleep tonight. As great as Prednisone can be, I've got a new side effect besides the hunger. Mind you I don't mind the hunger at all ;) But now I'm having a very hard time sleeping at night. Last night I just layed there and watched the clock from 10-430 am. No fun at all. No matter what I just could not sleep. I'm sure hoping tonight is better for sleep. No worries I had extra strong coffee to keep me going all day. And if it happens again tonight I'm drinking the entire coffee pot at work tomorrow! You got to take the good with the bad. So I'll take feeling better even if it's messing up my sleeping.
Well I start to taper the Prednisone tomorrow, so here's hoping I feel better tomorrow!!
First day back to work that is...and wow, I'm still in vacation mode for sure. I think I'd rather be hanging out at the pool, or on the ship, drinking fruity drinks, and doing a whole lot of nothing! That's ok, it was time to get back to reality and put my big girl RN pants on! ha ha ha ;)
It was actually a nice work day overall. I came home and got the mind set of need-to-keep-running. So I did just that. I took a little after work down time then got into work out mode. I ran a mile non stop, woo hoo! Then I did a mile walk as a cool down. I was very happy with that, and felt great afterwards. My legs sure were burning and I'm sure I'll feel that tomorrow.
Overall it's great to be home and get back to my regular routine. I'm going to try to run a mile at least 4 times a week now....maybe 5 times a week, we'll see.
*Fingers Crossed and Postive thoughts*
Today was a surprisingly slow day at work. They don't come very often so It's so nice to get them. To my surprise my boss offered me the rest of the day off! Woo Hoo! I was so happy and I surely took it. We had 4 RN's today and only needed 2. Since I'm always the charge RN It was a nice break for me. So me and my best friend ended up going out for the afternoon. We went to the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and it was delicious as always! We did some shopping which is always therapeutic ;) What a very nice unexpected half day at work.
I've been on a major kick on going to our "Goodwill" stores. I don't know what it is, but man I'm getting some of the greatest stuff! Today I got 2 new pairs of Adidas running/track pants for a whopping $3.50 wahoo!!! It's the little things that make me happy ;) They had a stationary exercise bike, too bad it was ancient though. I wouldn't mind having one, especially on those days where I can't ride mine outside.
Tonight is off to the Inlaws for dinner, steaks on the grill yum. Man I'm eating GREAT today :)
Unfortunately on this Christmas Eve I received a phone call while out to lunch with Scott that my dear co-worker Alice passed away. We went and saw her yesterday in the hospital and my heart told me it was near. I'm deeply saddened today that she lost her battle with lung cancer after fighting since August. My thoughts are with her family during this time, and it being the holidays I think makes it even worse. We'll miss you Alice :(
What can I say, typical Monday oh joy. I'm in charge at work this week and was off 2 days last week so I felt like I walked into chaos incorporated this morning. One of our doctors who i'll refrain from calling names, but it rhymes with class! Anyway he was his usual ray of sunshine jerk self today. Out of all the wonderful docs I work with he's the rotten egg of the group. And today he just pushed my bottons like no other. Then on top of that we had a patient fall, she ripped open her skin wounds, poor thing and bled all over me. :( So needless to say we got off to a rocky start.
Over all it ended up not being to bad. Once doctor jerk left I came home to change scrubs etc., stopped and got a yummy lunch on my way back to work, helped Bee with a huge nursing school assignment, and am putting together a happy hour on Friday. I'm just happy that what started out as a crap-tastic day has definitely gotten better. Here's to a nice evening with Scott watching one of our favorite shows Ghost Hunters and relaxing....FINALLY!
This week was not a good one. My patient is not doing well and prognosis is grave :( I haven't been able to shake this all week, neither has anyone for that matter. It's heartbreaking to see how it's effecting everyone. Not to be a big negative person, because I try not to but this week has just all around been crappy. It all stems from the code too...taking worries home, being pissy, easily annoyed etc. and I hate it because it's not me. On the bright side of things, I guess I should be happy that when things happen like this it still hits me this hard. I don't ever want to become immune to situations like this just because I'm a nurse and "it happens." I don't care, that's not who I am.
I'm extremely happy to say that after a crap-tastic week I'm looking forward to a semi-quiet weekend. Tomorrow hurricane Hanna is supposed to blast us. I find that as an excellent excuse to stay put and chill. I'm thinking...enjoy the rain, have coffee, read some cookbooks, get some things done that I've wanted to do. My main goal is just to turn off my brain.
Today was back to work after a lovely long weekend. This week sure did start with a bang too...Unfortunately one of our patients coded today and went into respiratory arrest. Not sure why, but all I know is to be involved in a code is terrible. I mean you feel good as a nurse that you are doing everything you can to save this person, but at the same time you just feel helpless when nothing is working. I've been in my share of codes too, having worked critical care and now outpatient surgery. It was a long one too, she was intubated, CPR initiated, the works. . After pushing cardiac meds on her, we were able to get a pulse, but we were bagging or ventilating her manually. She was transferred to our local hospital and I pray she's ok. Unfortunately being a surgery center we do witness this, but it's never ever easy. It just sets the tone for the whole day, and leaves you with this weird, sick in the stomach feeling like you've been punched. I can't get it off my mind and sure hope she's doing ok tonight...
Luckily I have plans tonight to go out with my good friend Julie. I'm going up to her place in Ellicott City (which I just love it up there) to visit her and her girls, and we're going out for some yummy mexican food and drinks tonight. It sure is perfect timing for the day we just had today.
It's so nice to be off for this long Labor Day weekend. I'm absolutely loving not having to work today. It's pretty rare in the nursing field to be able to have off on weekends and holidays, just one of the perks of my job. (I think I'll keep it ;)
We've had a nice weekend, slow and relaxing, but nice. Saturday we went to the Annapolis Yacht Club's annual sailing week party. Our close friend Dave sails so he invited us. It was gorgeous where the party was, right near the Annapolis docks. Especially when the sun went down, all the lights on the water and all the boats just lit up it was awesome. Afterwards we went to a bar also in Annapolis called Heroe's. We all just wanted some good "bar food" and boy did we find it! This place was great, the best greasy bar food (cheese fries, mozzarella sticks, crab dip etc) and they had a wall (seriously) of draft beers. Not like 5 draft beers, but an entire wall!! I swear I'm not an alcoholic but just to see that many draft beers was just plain neat. :D
While enjoying our Saturday coffee on the back deck together I was flipping through the sale ads for this week and found a major sale at Sears for an eliptictal. When we went to Hawaii in November last year the gym on our cruise ship had them and we were addicted. (Well Scott more than me he was at the gym everyday, me I was more of his cheerleader on the sidelines ;)
But I've really been wanting to get back into a routine even if it's just 3 days a week, and heck it can only be good for you so why not. So I found at Sears that they were 50% off!! And they only had 6 in stock so it was first come first serve. So like a nerd I went and waited for the doors to open yesterday, but I got it YAY!!! Scott put it together last night as a surprise for this morning, it's awesome! Infact he's already worked out on it. We also picked up a nice piece for our entertainment center at Target last night, and it looks great.
Well today we're off to my niece's 14th birthday party. I really can't believe she's 14, when Scott and I first met she was only 4. I admit, a small part of me feels a little bit old today. Oh well, it's a beautiful day outside and it feels like fall! Hooray for September!!
Back to work this morning despite this stupid cold. I do have to say though I am feeling better, thankfully. I knew I was going to get this cold when two of my co-workers last week said they had a sore throat, then two of our anesthesiologists come in wearing masks. Hello red flag, I knew I was doomed! Oh well despite the fact that I'm still mega congested, my face actually hurts, and the things coming out of me are like colors of a rainbow (kidding) I'm thankful that the sore throat is gone, and no fever. Woo hoo. Tomorrow I go to Hopkins which I secretly dread, but I know I'm seeing some of the best doctors in the world. I just get so damn uptight about my PFT's. Ah if they are down even a little I panic and usually cry. I need to just prepare myself that I have a cold, it's in my head and chest, and they aren't going to be great just like anyone else's wouldn't be great in this predicament as well. Easier said than done!
Work went well today. You know the cliche you always hear about work...the one that goes something like, don't worry the place won't fall apart without you!? Well sometimes I wonder. I got calls both days I was off sick this week (not that I mind helping others) BUT...hello I shouldn't be the ONLY person who knows whats going on, you know!? Even the boss had to call me about stuff. Ahh! Oh well on the bright side it's nice to be missed, and nice to have the reputation of the one who has the brain and knows what the heck is going on. Today Scott (husband) called out of work because he has it too. :/ Poor thing. I know the dogs are happy though, between the two of us someone's been home so far everyday this week. Ok well tomorrow is going to be a long day, work then Hopkins where there is always always always a long wait before they do anything with you, it's just so nerve wracking! Oh well at least dad usually goes with me, and we go out for a drink/dinner afterwards which makes it all better. Until next time....
